The newly-single friend (Part 6)

By now you're probably all familiar with the ongoing drama with Lucy's newly-single friend Amir.

If you're not, you can read from the beginning here (you might need a cuppa and a comfy chair for that though).  If you'd prefer a quick recap, the most recent post is here.

In a nutshell, after weeks of crazy flirting, Amir finally asked Lucy out on a date.  But then, a few days before the thrilling day in question, he cancelled the date with barely an apology and vanished. 

Since then, Lucy has been finding tenuous excuses to contact him, in the hope that if she reminds him of her existence, he might actually get round to asking if they can reschedule the aborted rendezvous.

Most recently, she rang him with a (semi) genuine work-related question.  He didn't answer his phone, so she left a message which she hopes sounded nonchalant and not at all needy and desperate. 

But three days later, he hasn't called back, and Lucy has been forced to solve the work problem by herself.  

Amir, of course, has no idea she's done that. For all he knows, she could be desperately struggling without the answer.  Some fucking friend he's turning out to be. 

So since she still has a legitimate excuse, she gives him a gentle nudge.

And again he vanishes.

Diary of a ghosting 

Lucy is driving herself insane with wondering.  What the fuck happened?  A few weeks ago he was full of smiles and compliments, texting all the time, flirting furiously.  They had a date in the diary. It was all finally going right.

And then he cancelled the date, with barely an apology, and since then has been remote at best, and basically a dating app fuckboy at worst.

She doesn't understand.  Did she do something wrong?  What the fuck happened?!

Lucy has a sneaking suspicion she knows exactly what's happened.  Her spidey senses can feel it, and she's learning that her spidey senses are right more often than not.

It seems that all of it, ALL OF IT, all the flirting and the heart-eyed emojis and the 'I have a thing for your hair's and 'You're awesome's and the 'You're stunning's... all of it, meant nothing.  He was just using her.  Getting reassurance and a boost for his fragile ego, which has been bruised by the ending of his relationship.  He was never really interested in her, which is why he was so flaky about asking her out on a date. It wasn't because he was shy, or afraid of ruining the friendship, or uncertain of her feelings.  He was just never really that interested.  He simply wanted to be reassured that he isn't going to be single forever, that he still 'has it'.

In other words, he was fucking using her.

And now that he's discovered Bumble, he no longer needs her.  He's off swiping and flirting with other girls, girls who are more interesting because they are mysterious and new and he hasn't seen them cry, or with 3-day hair, or bedraggled from getting caught in the rain, or any of the other things he's seen Lucy do over the course of their friendship.

This realisation makes her deeply disappointed.  For a few weeks she has allowed herself to get her hopes up that this could be something real.  The possibility of - whisper it - an actual relationship with a great guy.  And not just any guy - one who knows her, who knows her crazy, who's seen her at her worst, and still thinks she's great.  After many years of swiping, and dating, finally she thought she might be able to put it all behind her.

But it was all an illusion.  And the injustice of it all is driving her crazy.  If he were just another stranger off a dating app, it'd be easy enough to let it go.  But he's not a stranger.  He's her friend. And for him to start ghosting her is completely unacceptable.

She needs to speak to him.

But she mustn't, she can't.  Must. Resist.

Her resolve lasts a couple of days, but eventually, after a few drinks on a Friday night, her twitchy texting finger gets the better of her.

Literally the second she's hit send, she regrets it. But it's too late now. It's out there.

Not that it really matters, since yet again Amir doesn't reply.

After two more days of silence, Lucy texts her friend Lily for a rant.  She replies in the concise and practical way only Lily can.

The longest week

On Monday, he still doesn't reply.  Lucy is starting to seethe with indignation.

Over the course of the day she checks WhatsApp a few times. He's been online regularly, so he's definitely not dead.

Maybe he's just busy. But it's been over a week.  No one is that busy!

On Tuesday, he doesn't reply.

Lucy's sadness has turned to full-blown anger.  She's aware that she should just let it go. But she can't.  She is SO ANGRY.  He promised he wouldn't ghost her.  She's not some random girl on a dating app. She's LUCY!  Supposedly his friend. Supposedly the woman he thinks is 'stunning' and 'a beauty' and who 'gets hotter every time he sees her'.  So why can't have the FUCKING DECENCY TO FUCKING REPLY?!

She needs to know if the reason he's gone silent is because he's met someone else. So she comes up with a cunning plan.  She decides to call Rick, Amir's best friend and godfather to his children.  Lucy's known Rick for almost as long as she's known Amir, when they all worked together.  If anyone can shed any light on this, it's him.

So in an effort to get her blood pressure back down to normal levels, she invents a totally-made-up work-related question Rick will know the answer to, and calls him.   He solves the fictitious problem immediately.

"Thanks!" Lucy says.  "You know we should totally get together for a drink soon. It's been ages!"
Rick agrees that it has, and they should.
"We should get Amir to come too," Rick adds.
"Ok," agrees Lucy, though she's not sure how she feels about this now.  "Only I think he might be busy," she adds. "I sent him a message the other day, and he hasn't replied.
Rick unhelpfully agrees that Amir might indeed be busy, but says he hasn't spoken to him in a while, so doesn't really know what's going on.
"But I think he might still be having issues with Julie," he adds.

Could this be it?  He's withdrawn because of ongoing issues with his ex-partner?

"But last time I saw him he seemed ok," Lucy tells Rick. "He was asking for advice about online dating.  How's that working out for him?"
"I think he might have been on a few dates.  I think there was one girl he saw a few times.  I don't really know."

You don't really know?!  What kind of best fucking friend are you anyway, Rick?!

Men are useless. Why does anyone even bother?

Rick's wife is due to have her first child in a matter of weeks.  He tells Lucy it'd be nice to meet up for a drink before the baby comes, so they agree to go out next week.  He offers to call Amir and invite him too.

Lucy's not too sure about this.  Does she even want to see Amir after this?  Unlikely.  Not that the drink is likely to happen anyway - these boys are just too fucking flaky.  And even if Rick manages to show up, will he bring Amir?  Seems doubtful.

On Wednesday Amir still hasn't fucking replied to the messages.  By now, like one of the stages of grief, Lucy's anger has subsided to resignation and acceptance.  But she's still hurt and mystified.  Why would he lead her on like that, only to drop her so resoundingly?

It bugs her all day.  It bugs her so much that she realises that it will continue to bug her unless she does something about it.  So she calls him.

She knows she's not supposed to. She knows it's breaking all the rules. But the game is already lost, that's clear. So it doesn't matter any more.  She's no longer playing to win, she just wants answers.

The call goes to voicemail.  She leaves a message, trying to keep her voice as light as possible.

"Maaaate! S'Lucy! Just calling to check up on you, cos, y'know, you seem to have vanished! Which is a bit weird, cos you're normally pretty good at replying!  So I'm thinking either you're dead, or I've done something to upset you... in which case I'm sorry! Either way, call me and let me know! Ok bye!"

Afterwards, she feels better.  But it's a temporary fix.  She knows if he doesn't respond soon, the whole cycle of fury will begin again... only ten times worse.

On Thursday he doesn't reply, but instead he casually likes one of her photos on Instagram.  Lucy nearly bursts a blood vessel.

By Saturday the anxiety and stress has returned.   She goes to a spinning class and feels like she might have a heart attack. With nothing to distract her mind, only pedalling, her over-active brain starts going into overdrive trying to figure out what to do. Should she call Rick and ask him to investigate? Should she call Amir and leave a frank and honest message about how hurt and upset she is?  In her head she starts imagining what such a message would say... and as she does she can feel her blood pressure and heart rate going through the roof.  Her chest feels tight and she starts finding it hard to breathe - and she's pretty sure it's not just because she's in an exercise class.

On Sunday he still hasn't replied.  Lucy wishes she could calm down and let it go, but it's impossible.  She knows that contacting him again would only let him know how much he's affected her - and why should she give the fuckboy that satisfaction?  It will only make him think she's crazy.  Which perhaps she is.

But she can't let it go.  She needs an explanation.  So she takes a deep breath and calls him - and this time there is no playing it cool.  Her pulse is racing and she tries to keep her voice steady.

"So, hey, it's me again.  Listen, you still haven't got back to me, so clearly there is something going on. Maybe you're just too busy, but no one is so busy they can't reply to a simple message in over a week.  Plus you weren't too busy to like one of my pictures on Instagram.   So clearly there is something going on.  And I know things seem to have got a bit weird between us, but I wish you would just talk to me, because we've been friends for a long time, and you promised me you wouldn't ghost me. When I said I'd give you 6 months before you became a dating app fuckboy, you said you wouldn't, but already you're exhibiting typical fuckboy behaviour.   So please, mate, just talk to me, because I'm getting pretty upset about this now.  Ok, bye."

By the time she gets to the end she can feel herself starting to tear up and her voice is beginning to shake.  She hangs up quickly.

About a minute later he texts back.

And that is all.  She doesn't reply.

An hour later, her phone pings again.

Fuck.  So now she looks like the crazy one who has massively overreacted.  But has she? Lucy doesn't think so.  But there's a decent chance she's so blinking barmy she wouldn't even realise.

Sometimes Lucy just wishes she could get the fuck out of her own head.

But at least he's replied.  And now the ball is firmly back in her court, Lucy can stop stressing, and wondering, and getting upset.  Instead of being powerless, now she has the power.  And she's not afraid to use it - by giving him a taste of his own medicine.  Let him see how he likes being ghosted.

The meeting

A few days later, Rick gets back in touch, wanting to know if she's still up for that drink.  Lucy would love to see him, but she definitely doesn't want to go if Amir will be there.
"Will he?"
"No, he's away with work."
"Oh what a shame," Lucy lies.  "Just you and me then!"

Lucy's hoping Rick can shed some light on the whole situation.  She wonders if Amir has said anything to his mate about what's been going on with her,  or whether there is something else going on she doesn't know about.

And as if his sixth sense knows he's going to be the hot topic of conversation, that very afternoon Amir calls her.  Twice.

Swiftly followed by this...

Lucy ignores him.  She wants to speak to Rick first and find out what's going on.  But how can she do this without saying too much and having it all get back to Amir?  She needs to play it cool, do a little bit of gentle digging, and try not to overshare too much.  

Lucy is totally deluded if she thinks that's possible.

In fact she lasts precisely one and a half glasses of wine before the floodgates open and the entire sorry saga comes pouring out.  Rick, bless him, listens patiently as she unloads the entire lot onto him like a tidal wave - even showing him some of the text messages Amir sent her and the Bumble chat. 

He's shocked.  Well, either that, or he's acting shocked because he's a good friend and he knows that's what he's supposed to say.

"That's really not on," Rick says.  "He can be so fucking needy sometimes without realising the effect he might be having.  Looks like he was just using you to boost his fragile ego."

"I KNOW!" says Lucy. 

"You know he really is very needy.  I probably shouldn't tell you this but Julie is getting pretty annoyed with him too - he's not pulling his weight with the childcare and he messages her constantly.  I guess he still needs to get over the fact that it was her that ended it."

It was Julie that ended it?  Lucy did not know this.  She'd been led to believe it was a mutual decision. 

Rick continues: "And I guess he was just enjoying flirting with you but didn't realise it might mean something to you.  And now he doesn't need you any more because he's got a girlfriend."

WTAF?  He's got a girlfriend?  Al-fucking-ready?! The guy has only been on dating apps for, like, a nanosecond, and he's already got a girlfriend?  So Lucy has been looking for a nice man for basically her entire fucking life, and Amir just does, what, two swipes and finds someone?  How is that even remotely fair, in any way, shape or form?!

The wine is making her even more furious.  But calm and patient Rick is handling it well. 

While they're chatting about Amir, he texts again.  It's as if he knows he's being discussed (which to be fair, he probably does).

Again, Lucy doesn't reply. 

At the end of the evening, Lucy gives Rick permission to say whatever he likes to Amir.  She doesn't give a fuck any more, and she's done with playing it cool.  He needs to know, and it might even be easier if he hears it from someone else. 

But what should she do now?  Wait for the message to filter through?  Or reply? And if so, when, and what should she say?

And the messages keep on coming...

To be continued...?

The newly-single friend (Part 5)

Lucy has been flirting for weeks with her friend Amir, who recently came out of a long-term relationship.  

(If you missed it, you can read from the beginning here, or catch up on last week here).

The flirting has made Lucy realise she has feelings for Amir.  In fact, quite frankly, she fancies the pants off him.  But in spite of some Grade A flattery and many, many hints at the possibility of a date, so far it's been a case of over-promise, and spectacularly under-deliver.

Until now.  Finally, he's asked her out. And of course she couldn't say yes fast enough. 

But since this is Lucy we're talking about, it wasn't just a case of 'Would you like to go for a drink?" "Why yes, as it happens, I would!"  Noooo, of course, not, that would be far too normal.

In reality the circumstances were more dysfunctional and thoroughly British than a Richard Curtis movie.  Lucy only managed to get Amir to ask her out on an actual date by advising him to join the Bumble dating app, waiting until he matched with her, and then pretending that she didn't know him. 

I kid you not - you seriously can't make this shit up.

So now the date is in the diary, and everything is rosy, and Lucy is in Spain with work.  It's been a few days since she last heard from Amir, so she drops him a cheery text.

 

He doesn't reply.  This is annoying - but she guesses she can live with it.  Maybe he didn't think she really meant for him to answer her direct question.  Maybe he's just busy.  He'll reply soon, I'm sure, she thinks.  

But after a week of silence the anxiety is starting to surface.  Although Amir is a great guy, he does have a tendency to be a little flaky.  It's understandable - he has a demanding job and an ex-partner and two kids to deal with, so he can't always be available, but she would like some reassurance that he's not going to cancel their date.  And the fact that his messages have completely dried up makes her worried that this could be a possibility.  Surely if he was as excited to see her as she is to see him, he'd have replied by now.

The problem is, he has form - he's flaked on her before, more than once.  But surely this is different.  Before, that was just friends meeting for a drink.  This is a DATE.  Please God, PLEASE don't let him cancel.  

And Lucy's not even fucking religious. 

To prevent the doubt and insecurity driving her up the wall, she decides to message him to double check.

And there it is. She knew it. Just knew it.  Her spidey senses were tingling, and with good reason.  

Lucy is properly, properly gutted.

Too keen?

It's impossible to know.  Half the time Lucy worries that she's not encouraging him enough - that she's stuck to the 'we're just friends' line so well that he'll think she's not interested and give up. The other half of the time she worries she should be playing harder to get.  Men like the chase, don't they?

Maybe she should have made him chase her, because now he doesn't reply.

So he's cancelled the date with no apology - and no suggestion that they reschedule.  This does not bode well.  She knows she should be angry, but she's mostly just upset, and can't stop checking her messages to see if he's replied.  She tries to distract herself with work, going to the gym, and randomly swiping on Bumble, but every time she logs in there she sees his profile at the top of her matches.  It's bloody infuriating.

The next day, Lucy hears some bad news that she knows will have indirectly affected Amir.   Her immediate instinct is to get in touch with him, to see if he's ok, but now she's not sure if she can do that.  She can't double text him, can she? That really would be breaking all the rules.

It may also just be possible that the news isn't all that bad, and it would be fine not to contact him, and Lucy might just be looking for an excuse.  Maybe.

On the other hand, she tells herself, he's a friend.  If he's received bad news, she should offer support.

So like the kind, caring person she is, she selflessly puts dating rules aside and messages him again.

The little heart-eyed emoji gives her a burst of hope, but Lucy's also not a total idiot (most of the time).   She knows these are breadcrumbs: she can feel him slipping away, and her instinct is to reach out and grab him.   To stop him, make him stay. 

So a few days later, when a work question comes up, she contacts him again.  She knows she shouldn't, but things are already starting to spiral a little out of control.  

And anyway, she tells herself, he'll know the answer. It's totes legit to call him.  If I don't, it'll take me ages to solve the problem by myself.  Why would I bother with that, when one quick call to Amir will sort it out in seconds?  He'll never know it was just an excuse to speak to him.

So she picks up the phone.  It goes to voicemail, and she leaves a cheery message asking for his advice on the work thing.

Three days pass and he doesn't call back.

By now Lucy is in full wrath mode.  Why the fuck did he not respond to her voicemail? He could have texted the answer, and he didn't even bloody bother to do that!  

What's happened? Did she do something wrong?  A couple of weeks ago he was full of compliments and flirting, but now, overnight, the heat has been snuffed out of this relationship.  Someone who was as interested as Amir seemed to be would have called back for sure.  And a good friend would have called back to help solve her problem.  He did neither. 

Lucy is starting to think that Amir is not one of the Good Ones after all, but actually a total cunt.

(To be continued...)

The newly-single friend (Part 4)

Lucy has been having a promising flirtation with her charming, handsome and funny friend Amir.

To read what happened last time, click here.

Lucy and Amir have been mates for over 5 years, but since he broke up with his partner last Christmas their friendship has become increasingly flirty. Amir regularly tells her she's gorgeous, and hints at the possibility of a date - but in spite of the endless compliments, he so far hasn't quite managed to get to the point of actually asking her out.  Lucy is finding it both exhilarating and also mindfuckingly infuriating. 

Last time they met, Amir asked Lucy for advice on how to create a good profile for the dating app Bumble. This put Lucy in a tricky position.  Obviously she'd rather be grabbed by the pussy by Donald Trump than help Amir hook up with another woman - but technically at the moment they are still just friends. So she had no choice but to agree to help.  

She hopes her advice turns out to be a big pile of useless crap.

Since that last meeting it's been a couple of weeks without any word from Amir.  Then out of the blue he pops up again late one evening - in a pretty spectacular fashion.

Lucy is on a work trip, asleep in a German hotel, and the vibrating of her phone wakes her up.  She reaches over blearily to silence it, and as she does so she sees the message.  For a moment she's not sure if she's awake or dreaming.

Stunning mildly crazy beauty?!  What a message to receive in the middle of the night!  He thinks she's stunning AND a beauty?  As for the mildly crazy, while that might seem rude, it's really just gentle teasing.  Lucy sometimes jokes that all women are a bit bonkers, but she's definitely less bonkers than most, and Amir tells her he likes her brand of crazy because it's cute and funny. So what he's really saying is that he thinks she's gorgeous and amusing.

This is definitely not the sort of message a friend would send. 

Since it's the middle of the night, Lucy goes back to sleep.  Let him wait.  But it appears he's a bit impatient, because early the next day he messages again.

At this point Lucy is in a meeting, so it's definitely not the right time to be getting into what could potentially be a flirtatious conversation.  Anyway, he vanished for over a week, so it might do him some good to have to wait a while.  Plus it'll make Lucy seem important and unavailable, which can only be a Good Thing.

She finally replies at the end of the day with a message that she hopes will make her sound both hardworking and modest.

(In other words, get the fucking hint, Amir!  Ask for a fucking date already!)

The next day, Lucy flies back to London. Barely has her plane touched the runway than she fires up her phone, swiping furiously on Bumble in search of his profile.  To make sure she has every chance of finding it, she even widens her distance settings to show her every guy in the right age range within a 20 mile radius.  She's determined to make damn sure he doesn't slip through the net.

This has the unfortunate side effect of showing her dozens of potential new matches, all of whom she has to reject in the hunt for the one she's looking for.  Lucy swipes left continually all the way through the passport control queue, where the fierce lady supervising the automatic gates looks at her as though she might be a terrorist and makes her put her phone away.  She carries on swiping through baggage reclaim, where for the first time ever Lucy is annoyed when her suitcase comes out first.  She barely acknowledges her taxi driver as he takes her bag and leads her to the car, all the time swiping, swiping, swiping... and just occasionally experiencing a small pang of regret as she bypasses someone who looks like he might be nice.  Sorry love, not now.  Right now she's only interested in one man.

And then suddenly, there he is.

This might have been one of those terrible moments where, with the left-swipe action firmly established, Lucy could have rejected Amir by mistake before she could stop herself.  And maybe, with hindsight, it would have been better if she had done just that. 

But she doesn't. She stops and looks at his photos. The main one is one she's seen before, on his WhatsApp profile, and it makes him look smiley and rather young.  The others are more accurate reflections of what he really looks like, a little grizzled around the edges, but sexier.  He hasn't used the one she took of him in the bar last time they met. 

That's fine, she thinks. I'll keep that one just for me.

She takes a deep breath, and swipes right.

BOOM! It's a match.

Lucy exhales in relief.  After all the flirting - and his message - it would have been extremely odd if Amir hadn't swiped right on her profile, but all the same, you never know.  Men are fucking weird sometimes and Lucy really has no clue how their minds work.

Now they've matched, Lucy has a new problem. The rule of Bumble is that women have to make the first move - guys can't message until the girl has.  This means that Lucy has to compose an engaging opening message.  OH THE PRESSURE!

Normally she'd send something brief but hopefully witty that shows she's looked at the guy's profile. Nothing too long in case he doesn't bother to reply and it turns out to be a waste of time.  Nothing that sounds like it might have been copied and pasted from another chat (even though, yes, she'll admit it... sometimes it is).

But this is different, she thinks.  This is Amir. He's not a random stranger.  She doesn't need to start with a friendly question because she already knows loads about him.

But then she has a brainwave.  What if she were to pretend that she doesn't?  If the fact that they're friends is getting in the way of him asking her out on a date, maybe removing the friends aspect will solve the problem.

Time for a little role play action...



And then she waits for a reply.  And waits.  And fucking waits.

Hours go by and there is no response.  The suspense is driving her bonkers.

According to the rules of Bumble, Amir has just 24 hours to reply to her message before the match expires and the connection will vanish.  The clock is ticking like an incredibly stressful episode of Countdown where the prize isn't just bragging rights but the chance for love and happiness.  Lucy feels like Cinderella: she has just a few hours left to win her prince before the spell is broken and she'll turn back into a pumpkin.

So why hasn't he replied?  Is he busy? Playing it cool?  Has he lost interest?  What if he isn't checking his messages?  FFS!

Lucy weighs up the options. Given his attention so far, it seems pretty unlikely that he's suddenly lost interest.  No, she thinks, he must have notifications turned off, so he won't know he has a match or have seen her message.  This is a nightmare!  What if he doesn't check? What if the match expires?!

Calm the fuck down woman, she thinks.  It's only a dating app.

But still, it seems like she is finally on the cusp of something brilliant.  She simply can't let the opportunity slip through her fingers.  Not now she's come this far.

So she sends him a message via WhatsApp.

Lucy doesn't get a chance to reply to his text, because the next moment, he also pings her a reply on Bumble.

And she's back in the game.

What's more, he's taken the bait.  The we-don't-know-each-other role play is ON. Things are about to get interesting... 

And just like that, Lucy's stomach falls through the floor.

What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck?!

Is this really what this whole thing has been about?  All that teasing, all that flirting, for weeks... it was all just in the hope of getting into her pants?

Surely not.  It can't have been.  Could it?

The shock and disappointment make Lucy feel slightly nauseous.  She doesn't know how to respond. Is he fucking serious?  Or is this just part of the role play: they're pretending to be two strangers on Bumble, so he's ably playing the role of the typical dating app fuckboy.  It must be a joke!

Yes... it MUST be a joke, albeit a fucking crap one.  Amir could get a casual hookup anywhere, if that's what he wanted.  Surely he wouldn't be so stupid as to ruin their entire friendship for a meaningless shag?  He's even told her about getting propositioned recently, but he turned the girl down because 'that's not what he's looking for'.

But if his comment was a joke, why didn't he follow it up with a winky face emoji, or a 'just kidding' like he did before?  Arrrrggggghhh! FFS!

No, it must be part of the role play. Surely she knows him well enough to know that he wouldn't seriously proposition her like that.  Doesn't she?

She decides to give him the benefit of the doubt and carry on playing.

This is better, she thinks.  Though the creeping doubt is still there, nagging her in the back of her mind. 

But at least he's asked her out now.  A date! An actual date! Break out the champagne!

This is much better, Lucy thinks.  A bit of humour, a few choice compliments, and he's even showing off his excellent use of English.  It must be said Lucy does like a guy with a large... vocabulary.

From the comfort of her sofa Lucy smiles to herself.  Well it WAS a good line.  This conversation is about as much fun as Lucy has had on her own in a very long time.

She just needs to give Amir a bit more encouragement.

The Quantum Leap reference makes Lucy laugh out loud.  She absolutely loves that Amir is on exactly the same wavelength as her - cracking jokes that she finds hilarious and making slightly obscure pop culture references that only certain geeky kids of the 90s would get.

Lucy once told Amir that she'd kissed a guy who wasn't very good because his rhythm was too mechanical.  Clearly he was paying attention.  So he's a good listener too.

But the fact that he's suddenly brought up kissing is an interesting new development.  Is that what's on his mind?

The idea makes Lucy's imagination stray to places she's not sure it should go.  Things are so up in the air with Amir that she really doesn't want to get her hopes up.  But oh how she'd love to find out if what he's just said is true.

How to respond, though?  Is this his way of bringing the subject back round to sex - trying to see if she'd be up for a shag?  Or is it just a joke (the emoji suggests it is)? Should she encourage him by flirting back?  Lucy must admit she's pretty tempted - she wants to see where such a conversation might end up...

But hang on a tick, she thinks.  This is a role play. They're pretending they've never met.  So she should say the same thing she always says to total strangers who get a bit too carried away:

And the moment is gone.  Immediately Lucy is disappointed.  Did she shoot him down too soon?  Is she giving off the right signals?  Maybe she should have let the subject run a little and see where it led. 

I'm so mind-blowingly useless at this, she thinks. No wonder I'm fucking single. 

But there is no point rushing into things with Amir.  He's only just come out of what was essentially a marriage. She needs to take things slowly and find out what his intentions really are towards her.

This is interesting.  He doesn't say he's looking for anything serious - but what man fresh out of a 10-year relationship would ever say that anyway.

But now the conversation has lost its fizz.  Before it was sparky and light-hearted, and now it seems to have fallen flat.  This is my fault, Lucy thinks. I shouldn't have shot him down.  Why the fuck did she do that?  

Lucy wishes she could get the banter back. She needs Amir to think of her as fun and sexy, not needy and serious.  And more than anything, she needs to bring him back round to this date idea.

Lucy's confused. Did he not just suggest cocktails?  But now he's proposing a meal.  Or about a dozen other things.  Which is it?  This seems to be typical of Amir: he spends a lot of time coming up with great ideas for dates - but never actually makes good on the promise.

Well this time, she's determined to make sure he does.  And THEN they can have a few drinks together and let alcohol nature take its course.

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, they manage to agree a to meet up the Sunday after next. 

Lucy's not sure why Amir thinks she's being high-maintenance, but she doesn't care.  She's just thrilled beyond words that they've got a date in the diary. This is the BEST Bumble chat EVER! 

Obviously it sucks that it took a stupid role-play on a dating app to get to this point, but Lucy's not complaining. They have a date! An actual date! AND he promises he won't ghost her because she's awesome!  

And Lucy's sure he won't ghost her because he's not a typical dating app fuckboy.  He's one of the Good Ones. 

Of course she'll let him touch her hair. And anything else he wants to touch for that matter.

And he's gone.   Now Lucy will have to somehow manage to get through the next two weeks before she can see him. That's assuming he doesn't cancel on her again like he did last time.  She's really not sure she'd be able to bear it if he did...

(To be continued...)

The Twitter Date (Part 1)

This is a story about how Lucy got asked on a date via Twitter.

Wait... you mean Tinder, right?

Actually, no.  Not Tinder.  Twitter.  Here's how it happened...

Lucy has only recently joined this popular social media platform, and she doesn't really understand it. Currently she has about 130 followers - which doesn't seem like very many.  Lucy wants more.  Having hundreds of followers will make her feel loved and popular - even if she doesn't know any of these people and at least half of them may be robots.

So Lucy is looking at Twitter to see if there is anyone interesting on there whom she can tweet at in the hope that they will follow her.  She spots a chat between Tinder Girl and a guy called Al.

In his profile picture, Al is clearly sporting a large and bushy beard.

Personally Lucy has no idea how anyone could love a beard, and reckons the girls who say they do are only pretending because they like the man underneath and they're hoping that in time they can persuade him to shave it off.

Lucy doesn't have nearly enough patience for that sort of thing.  She hates beards.  More than she hates wet dogs, slow walkers, and unexpected items in the bagging area.

As far as she's concerned, the current obsession men have with growing haystacks on their faces is hideous and obscene and ought to be made illegal.  It's hard enough for a girl to meet a nice man as it is, without two thirds of them immediately ruining themselves by hiding their perfectly decent faces behind an impenetrable thatch of wiry fluff.

The worst is when attractive young guys, with slim figures and well-groomed hair, entirely destroy their features with the addition of a foot-long matted rug that wouldn't look out of place on a desert island castaway.

As far as she's concerned, the only people who should legitimately be allowed to own any kind of facial hair are lumberjacks, old testament prophets, 18th-century scholars, and Arctic explorers.  For anyone who has access to clean water and a razor, there is simply no excuse.

Yes, Lucy hates beards.   So she joins in the conversation.

And swiftly, she gets a response from Al.

Lucy looks at the pre-beard photo.  Al has a friendly face and good hair, with just a small amount of stubble.  Lucy thinks he looks very handsome.  It's certainly a vast improvement on the ridiculous face fungus he's currently sporting.  She tells him so.

Lucy is rather disconcerted.  Is Al flirting with her?  After she slagged off his chin wig?  This is her first proper Twitter conversation with random strangers, and already it's taken a rather unexpected direction.  She hesitates, not quite sure what to say.

Al seems like a decent guy but he's quite clearly joking.  No one in their right mind would ask someone out on a date after just a few exchanges on Twitter.  Especially given that Al has no idea what Lucy looks like.  Her profile photo is of a giraffe.  Admittedly it's a rather attractive giraffe, with large brown eyes, long eyelashes, and a cute smile, but still, it's a fucking giraffe.  If Al fancies giraffes, his problems are far greater than just the beard thing.

Lucy googles the number for the RSPCA helpline, just in case.

So Al can't really be gunning for a date, since no one in their right mind would ask someone out without knowing what they look like.  Lucy could be 85 years old, or 85 stone, or even a man.

But the banter is fun, and Al seems to be doing his best to convince Lucy of the merits of beard ownership.

Lifeboat?  Lucy takes a look at Al's profile.  He says he's a 32-year old mechanic and lifeboat crew member, and has tweeted photos of lifeboats.  Lucy can't help being impressed - the man is an actual fucking hero. Not to mention the fact that if he's a lifeboat volunteer he must be (a) a Good Person, and (b) pretty damn fit.  Not that she's going to let him know she's impressed.  That's not how this game is played.

The article in question says that men with beards are more likely to lie and cheat than men without. 

Aha!  Al has inadvertently proved her point.   Everyone knows Jesus was a massive con artist, and that Santa breaks into people's houses at night and encourages little kids to sit on his lap - so he's probably a paedophile.  Further proving that men with beards are not to be trusted.

Lucy admires Al's persistence.  The problem is, even if he's serious - which clearly he can't possibly be - but even if he were, there's no way she can actually meet him.  There is already far too much personal information about Lucy online.  Al could easily read her messed-up dating stories and jump to all sorts of conclusions.  Not to mention the fact that he would immediately find out about her tendency to neurotically overthink everything.  And then he will definitely realise she's a crazy person and run a mile.

Bizarrely, in spite of the beard, Lucy is starting to find Al extremely attractive.  He has a handsome face, he's funny, and he seems intelligent.  Not to mention the full-on action hero thing.    

But of course they can never meet.  Quite apart from anything else, Lucy's pretty certain Al is a good five years younger than her. When he finds out her age, there is every chance he will lose interest.

Still, 5 years younger, and an action hero.  Lucy's willing to bet Al has quite a hot body.

But even though Al and Tinder Girl share a love of beards, Al does seem to be more interested in Lucy.

It's the chase, she realises.  Like all men, he likes a challenge.  He wants to pursue me like some fucking Neanderthal chasing after a woolly mammoth.

While Lucy could stand to lose a few pounds, and is frequently too lazy to shave her legs, she'll be damned if she'll put up with anyone comparing her to a hairy prehistoric herbivore.

All the same though, it's nice to have a bit of an online flirt.  So Lucy decides to continue the chat and see what happens.

(To find out what did, click here)

The Booty Call (Part 2)

Lucy's had three dates with Peter who works in radio.  (To read from the beginning, click here.)

The third date wasn't really a date - more an entirely unapologetic and surprisingly acrobatic sex session, after which he vanished completely into thin air.  

Lucy was just about start googling for news of Peter's death, when he resurfaced and invited himself over again.  How romantic, she sighs, starry-eyed.  It's just what every girl dreams of. 

But Lucy's decided that since Prince Charming is taking his sweet time showing up, she'll have to take what she can get in the meantime.  So she's accepted Peter's terms of engagement. 

He rolls up in his flashy white Porsche and climbs the stairs.  Lucy waits for him at the top.  It's just like that scene at the end of Pretty Woman except that Peter is shorter and has far less hair than Richard Gere.  Also Richard Gere brought flowers, while  Peter has come empty handed.  Nice to see he's made an effort, she sighs.

When Peter reaches the top of the stairs, he goes straight in for a full-on snog.  They kiss in the stairwell for a while, until Lucy realises that the family who live opposite may be watching through their peephole.  She ushers him inside before they scar the young children for life.

Lucy and Peter sit on the sofa.  Lucy has a large glass of wine.  Lucy is sure wine makes her sexier.  At least, she thinks it makes her sexier.  Which is kind of the same thing.  Peter has orange juice.  Clearly he will not be staying the night.  Sex AND a good night's sleep, thinks Lucy.  Win. 

Lucy and Peter both know he is only there for one thing.  But they pretend to chat and be interested in each other's lives.  

"How has your week been?" she enquires.
"Pretty stressful," he replies. "Work has been extra busy because of that disaster that's been all over the news in which dozens of people died."

Peter needs to work on his chat-up technique.

Lucy wants to tell Peter how infuriating she found it that he didn't reply to her messages last time.  She also wants to know why he sometimes sends enthusiastic replies but then vanishes for days, and why he's so hard to pin down to a date.

I'm literally offering no-strings sex, she thinks.  You should be chasing me, not the other way round.

But Lucy knows that if she says any of this stuff she will come across as needy or nagging.  Instead she must pretend to be cool and sexy and a little bit hard to get. Guys like that. 

So she puts her glass down and takes off her top.

They have sex twice.  Despite having been hard to pin down, now he's here Peter seems very enthusiastic - and he's also extremely chatty.  He seems to like describing what's going on in graphic detail, narrating what he's doing, what's going where, how it all feels...  Lucy finds it slightly offputting.  It's nice to have feedback but she's not sure she needs a running commentary.  It's a bit like what watching the horse racing must be like - if horse racing was on a porn channel.

Lucy only knows three positions, but Peter seems keen to try out several more. Lucy's fine with this, although she's not too keen about being on top.  It means she has to remember to hold her stomach in.  I must start doing more sit-ups, she thinks.

She tries sitting up tall and running her hands through her hair like they do in the movies.  Is this supposed to make her boobs look more pert?  It might work if you're a movie star with unfeasibly round breasts, she thinks.  Sadly if Lucy is like anyone off the telly, it's Monica from Friends. 

Afterwards, they lie together on Lucy's bed.  Lucy idly strokes Peter's chest.  She notices that he has quite a lot of body hair, but he has completely shaved his pubes.  Lucy panics: was she supposed to have shaved hers?  Is this what the etiquette is these days?  Lucy doesn't think this is the sort of thing she can ask her friends.

"You're quite hairy, aren't you?" she observes.
"I'm actually hairier than this really," he replies.  "But I trim it with a body hair trimmer."
Lucy has never heard of such a thing.
"It's like hair clippers for your head, except for your body.  You can set it to any length you like and then you can just trim all over."
Peter seems to have gone for Grade 3 or 4 for his legs and arms, and Grade 1 for the pubic region.
That's an awful lot of hair, she marvels.  How on earth does he keep his drains clear?
She hopes she never finds out what he'd look like without the trimmer.

Lucy goes to the bathroom, and catches sight of herself in the mirror.  Her nose and chin are rubbed red from Peter's stubble.
I look awful, she grumbles. How come this never happens in the movies?
Lucy wonders if she should put some more make up on to cover it up. Then she remembers she's supposed to be not giving a fuck.  So she doesn't bother.

Lucy tells Peter that she thinks they should just use each other for sex, regularly.
Peter says he feels violated but clearly he's delighted.
"What, so we're going to be friends with benefits?" he asks.
Lucy's not sure they are really friends.
"We could be friends too, but we might have to keep our clothes on for that part."

They decide to just do benefits.  That's assuming Peter doesn't just disappear again.

(To be continued...?)

The Booty Call (Part 1)

Peter, the radio guy who slept with Lucy and then disappeared, has resurfaced.  He wants to know if Lucy is free to meet up this Saturday.  

It's a tale as old as time, she reflects.  No sooner have you decided not to bother with a guy any more, he starts pursuing you.  The lack of interest is like a red rag to a bull.   But why the hell does it not work when I try to fake disinterest with guys I really like?  They must have a ninja sixth sense.

Though clearly in Peter's case it's because he's got an itch that needs scratching.

Lucy's cross.  The cheek of it!  He doesn't reply to messages, he pretends not to have received them, he won't answer a question or agree a date to meet up... She's wasted far too much time and energy on this guy already.  She should tell him where to go. 

Problem is, she's really tempted to say yes.

Lucy is a pathological over-thinker, so she decides to draw up a list of pros and cons.  It looks like this:

Pros:

1. She doesn't have any other plans on Saturday.
2. She's already invested time and effort in Peter, it wouldn't be that much more trouble to say yes.
3. She's already slept with him once, so that awkward first time is out of the way. 
4. And it was really good.  Or at least, certainly better than no sex at all, which is the current alternative.
5. She's already decided she's not that fussed about him, so there's little chance of her getting hurt. 
6. She definitely hasn't had enough sex in her life so far, so now's her chance to make up for that.
7. She wants to, and saying no would only be denying herself something based on principle. But principles only get you so far. Lucy is fed up of having principles.
8. It's been sunny all week so she won't even need to shave her legs - they're already done. Win!

Cons:

1. He's messed her around and she doesn't want to reward his bad behaviour.  Or give him the satisfaction.
2. He'll probably disappear again immediately afterwards.
3. It'd be a bit slutty.

Lucy wonders if point 3 should really go in the 'pros' column.

Anyway, it's clearly a no-brainer.  She accepts.

But this time, she's determined not to make too much of an effort. She's not even entirely convinced he will actually show up.  So as a way of showing how entirely unconcerned she is about this whole thing, she decides not to wash her hair.  That way, if he cancels, at least she won't have wasted her time.

This small act of rebellion delights her. That'll teach him to mess her around.

Nevertheless, when Saturday rolls around, she's nervous again.  She's barely spoken to Peter since the last time, and he still feels like a stranger.  She hopes he won't be late - it's the waiting that gets to her.

Who is she kidding?  He's been late on all of the last three dates.  Lucy decides she'll be happy if he just bothers to turn up at all.

This is how they win, she grumbles.  Get you to lower your expectations by being dicks, so that you're grateful if they do something even the tiniest bit nice.  Like showing up.

Even though she knows this, Lucy still spends 10 minutes deciding which underwear to put on.  She goes for the (obvious) red ones with the push-up bra.  No point in owning this stuff if you don't wear it, she decides.

She spends a further 10 minutes in front of the mirror practising being sexy and trying to work out if red underwear makes her thighs look fat.  If only I had bigger boobs, she reflects, maybe my life would be different.

Then she remembers that she's too old for this shit.  She should be married by now to someone who is so grateful that she even owns red underwear that he doesn't give a fuck about her B-cups.

Peter phones.  He's running late.

Lucy pours herself a large glass of wine.

(To find out what happened, click here)