The newly-single friend (Part 4)

Lucy has been having a promising flirtation with her charming, handsome and funny friend Amir.

To read what happened last time, click here.

Lucy and Amir have been mates for over 5 years, but since he broke up with his partner last Christmas their friendship has become increasingly flirty. Amir regularly tells her she's gorgeous, and hints at the possibility of a date - but in spite of the endless compliments, he so far hasn't quite managed to get to the point of actually asking her out.  Lucy is finding it both exhilarating and also mindfuckingly infuriating. 

Last time they met, Amir asked Lucy for advice on how to create a good profile for the dating app Bumble. This put Lucy in a tricky position.  Obviously she'd rather be grabbed by the pussy by Donald Trump than help Amir hook up with another woman - but technically at the moment they are still just friends. So she had no choice but to agree to help.  

She hopes her advice turns out to be a big pile of useless crap.

Since that last meeting it's been a couple of weeks without any word from Amir.  Then out of the blue he pops up again late one evening - in a pretty spectacular fashion.

Lucy is on a work trip, asleep in a German hotel, and the vibrating of her phone wakes her up.  She reaches over blearily to silence it, and as she does so she sees the message.  For a moment she's not sure if she's awake or dreaming.

Stunning mildly crazy beauty?!  What a message to receive in the middle of the night!  He thinks she's stunning AND a beauty?  As for the mildly crazy, while that might seem rude, it's really just gentle teasing.  Lucy sometimes jokes that all women are a bit bonkers, but she's definitely less bonkers than most, and Amir tells her he likes her brand of crazy because it's cute and funny. So what he's really saying is that he thinks she's gorgeous and amusing.

This is definitely not the sort of message a friend would send. 

Since it's the middle of the night, Lucy goes back to sleep.  Let him wait.  But it appears he's a bit impatient, because early the next day he messages again.

At this point Lucy is in a meeting, so it's definitely not the right time to be getting into what could potentially be a flirtatious conversation.  Anyway, he vanished for over a week, so it might do him some good to have to wait a while.  Plus it'll make Lucy seem important and unavailable, which can only be a Good Thing.

She finally replies at the end of the day with a message that she hopes will make her sound both hardworking and modest.

(In other words, get the fucking hint, Amir!  Ask for a fucking date already!)

The next day, Lucy flies back to London. Barely has her plane touched the runway than she fires up her phone, swiping furiously on Bumble in search of his profile.  To make sure she has every chance of finding it, she even widens her distance settings to show her every guy in the right age range within a 20 mile radius.  She's determined to make damn sure he doesn't slip through the net.

This has the unfortunate side effect of showing her dozens of potential new matches, all of whom she has to reject in the hunt for the one she's looking for.  Lucy swipes left continually all the way through the passport control queue, where the fierce lady supervising the automatic gates looks at her as though she might be a terrorist and makes her put her phone away.  She carries on swiping through baggage reclaim, where for the first time ever Lucy is annoyed when her suitcase comes out first.  She barely acknowledges her taxi driver as he takes her bag and leads her to the car, all the time swiping, swiping, swiping... and just occasionally experiencing a small pang of regret as she bypasses someone who looks like he might be nice.  Sorry love, not now.  Right now she's only interested in one man.

And then suddenly, there he is.

This might have been one of those terrible moments where, with the left-swipe action firmly established, Lucy could have rejected Amir by mistake before she could stop herself.  And maybe, with hindsight, it would have been better if she had done just that. 

But she doesn't. She stops and looks at his photos. The main one is one she's seen before, on his WhatsApp profile, and it makes him look smiley and rather young.  The others are more accurate reflections of what he really looks like, a little grizzled around the edges, but sexier.  He hasn't used the one she took of him in the bar last time they met. 

That's fine, she thinks. I'll keep that one just for me.

She takes a deep breath, and swipes right.

BOOM! It's a match.

Lucy exhales in relief.  After all the flirting - and his message - it would have been extremely odd if Amir hadn't swiped right on her profile, but all the same, you never know.  Men are fucking weird sometimes and Lucy really has no clue how their minds work.

Now they've matched, Lucy has a new problem. The rule of Bumble is that women have to make the first move - guys can't message until the girl has.  This means that Lucy has to compose an engaging opening message.  OH THE PRESSURE!

Normally she'd send something brief but hopefully witty that shows she's looked at the guy's profile. Nothing too long in case he doesn't bother to reply and it turns out to be a waste of time.  Nothing that sounds like it might have been copied and pasted from another chat (even though, yes, she'll admit it... sometimes it is).

But this is different, she thinks.  This is Amir. He's not a random stranger.  She doesn't need to start with a friendly question because she already knows loads about him.

But then she has a brainwave.  What if she were to pretend that she doesn't?  If the fact that they're friends is getting in the way of him asking her out on a date, maybe removing the friends aspect will solve the problem.

Time for a little role play action...



And then she waits for a reply.  And waits.  And fucking waits.

Hours go by and there is no response.  The suspense is driving her bonkers.

According to the rules of Bumble, Amir has just 24 hours to reply to her message before the match expires and the connection will vanish.  The clock is ticking like an incredibly stressful episode of Countdown where the prize isn't just bragging rights but the chance for love and happiness.  Lucy feels like Cinderella: she has just a few hours left to win her prince before the spell is broken and she'll turn back into a pumpkin.

So why hasn't he replied?  Is he busy? Playing it cool?  Has he lost interest?  What if he isn't checking his messages?  FFS!

Lucy weighs up the options. Given his attention so far, it seems pretty unlikely that he's suddenly lost interest.  No, she thinks, he must have notifications turned off, so he won't know he has a match or have seen her message.  This is a nightmare!  What if he doesn't check? What if the match expires?!

Calm the fuck down woman, she thinks.  It's only a dating app.

But still, it seems like she is finally on the cusp of something brilliant.  She simply can't let the opportunity slip through her fingers.  Not now she's come this far.

So she sends him a message via WhatsApp.

Lucy doesn't get a chance to reply to his text, because the next moment, he also pings her a reply on Bumble.

And she's back in the game.

What's more, he's taken the bait.  The we-don't-know-each-other role play is ON. Things are about to get interesting... 

And just like that, Lucy's stomach falls through the floor.

What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck?!

Is this really what this whole thing has been about?  All that teasing, all that flirting, for weeks... it was all just in the hope of getting into her pants?

Surely not.  It can't have been.  Could it?

The shock and disappointment make Lucy feel slightly nauseous.  She doesn't know how to respond. Is he fucking serious?  Or is this just part of the role play: they're pretending to be two strangers on Bumble, so he's ably playing the role of the typical dating app fuckboy.  It must be a joke!

Yes... it MUST be a joke, albeit a fucking crap one.  Amir could get a casual hookup anywhere, if that's what he wanted.  Surely he wouldn't be so stupid as to ruin their entire friendship for a meaningless shag?  He's even told her about getting propositioned recently, but he turned the girl down because 'that's not what he's looking for'.

But if his comment was a joke, why didn't he follow it up with a winky face emoji, or a 'just kidding' like he did before?  Arrrrggggghhh! FFS!

No, it must be part of the role play. Surely she knows him well enough to know that he wouldn't seriously proposition her like that.  Doesn't she?

She decides to give him the benefit of the doubt and carry on playing.

This is better, she thinks.  Though the creeping doubt is still there, nagging her in the back of her mind. 

But at least he's asked her out now.  A date! An actual date! Break out the champagne!

This is much better, Lucy thinks.  A bit of humour, a few choice compliments, and he's even showing off his excellent use of English.  It must be said Lucy does like a guy with a large... vocabulary.

From the comfort of her sofa Lucy smiles to herself.  Well it WAS a good line.  This conversation is about as much fun as Lucy has had on her own in a very long time.

She just needs to give Amir a bit more encouragement.

The Quantum Leap reference makes Lucy laugh out loud.  She absolutely loves that Amir is on exactly the same wavelength as her - cracking jokes that she finds hilarious and making slightly obscure pop culture references that only certain geeky kids of the 90s would get.

Lucy once told Amir that she'd kissed a guy who wasn't very good because his rhythm was too mechanical.  Clearly he was paying attention.  So he's a good listener too.

But the fact that he's suddenly brought up kissing is an interesting new development.  Is that what's on his mind?

The idea makes Lucy's imagination stray to places she's not sure it should go.  Things are so up in the air with Amir that she really doesn't want to get her hopes up.  But oh how she'd love to find out if what he's just said is true.

How to respond, though?  Is this his way of bringing the subject back round to sex - trying to see if she'd be up for a shag?  Or is it just a joke (the emoji suggests it is)? Should she encourage him by flirting back?  Lucy must admit she's pretty tempted - she wants to see where such a conversation might end up...

But hang on a tick, she thinks.  This is a role play. They're pretending they've never met.  So she should say the same thing she always says to total strangers who get a bit too carried away:

And the moment is gone.  Immediately Lucy is disappointed.  Did she shoot him down too soon?  Is she giving off the right signals?  Maybe she should have let the subject run a little and see where it led. 

I'm so mind-blowingly useless at this, she thinks. No wonder I'm fucking single. 

But there is no point rushing into things with Amir.  He's only just come out of what was essentially a marriage. She needs to take things slowly and find out what his intentions really are towards her.

This is interesting.  He doesn't say he's looking for anything serious - but what man fresh out of a 10-year relationship would ever say that anyway.

But now the conversation has lost its fizz.  Before it was sparky and light-hearted, and now it seems to have fallen flat.  This is my fault, Lucy thinks. I shouldn't have shot him down.  Why the fuck did she do that?  

Lucy wishes she could get the banter back. She needs Amir to think of her as fun and sexy, not needy and serious.  And more than anything, she needs to bring him back round to this date idea.

Lucy's confused. Did he not just suggest cocktails?  But now he's proposing a meal.  Or about a dozen other things.  Which is it?  This seems to be typical of Amir: he spends a lot of time coming up with great ideas for dates - but never actually makes good on the promise.

Well this time, she's determined to make sure he does.  And THEN they can have a few drinks together and let alcohol nature take its course.

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, they manage to agree a to meet up the Sunday after next. 

Lucy's not sure why Amir thinks she's being high-maintenance, but she doesn't care.  She's just thrilled beyond words that they've got a date in the diary. This is the BEST Bumble chat EVER! 

Obviously it sucks that it took a stupid role-play on a dating app to get to this point, but Lucy's not complaining. They have a date! An actual date! AND he promises he won't ghost her because she's awesome!  

And Lucy's sure he won't ghost her because he's not a typical dating app fuckboy.  He's one of the Good Ones. 

Of course she'll let him touch her hair. And anything else he wants to touch for that matter.

And he's gone.   Now Lucy will have to somehow manage to get through the next two weeks before she can see him. That's assuming he doesn't cancel on her again like he did last time.  She's really not sure she'd be able to bear it if he did...

(To be continued...)

The newly-single friend (Part 3)

Lucy is meeting her friend Amir for a drink.  Except now that Amir's broken up with his long-term partner, she's not sure if they are still friends, or something more.  This might be a sort-of-date, and she's nervous.

(To read the story from the beginning, click here)

It's Sunday evening.  Lucy is on her way back to Brighton and has a suitcase in tow, so they agree to meet at Victoria station so she can hop straight on the train afterwards.  Amir arrives first, and texts to say he's waiting in the seating area opposite the departure boards.

Lucy spots him as she crosses the concourse.  He's wearing grey jeans and a black shirt, and is looking down at his phone.  Just seeing him sitting there makes her blood pump a little faster.  Holy fucking crap, she thinks.  This is a proper, honest-to-goodness, schoolgirl crush now.  Shit, I'm in trouble.

As she approaches she wills him to look up and spot her, so he'll clock the full effect of the hour she spent getting ready.   But clearly he's far too busy swiping on Tinder or texting some other girl, because he bloody doesn't. FFS.

He doesn't actually notice her until she's standing right in front of him.  His hair is mussed up, he hasn't shaved, and his jawline is softened by grizzled stubble.  His brown skin looks slightly sallow, and his dark eyes - so deep dark you could drown in them! - are tired.

Chrissakes, she thinks. I sound like a fucking Mills & Boon erotic novel. Get a grip, woman.

 He stands up and gives her a long hug.
"You look knackered!" Lucy teases.
"Thanks. You look hot."
So the effort was worth it - hurrah!  "Well, so do you.  Hot but knackered."
Amir takes her suitcase (tick) and they head for a nearby bar where he buys her a drink (two ticks).

"So how's the dating going?" he asks.  Always so interested in Lucy's dates. Is that because he's her friend or because he's jealous?

Lucy tells him about a recent date, in which the only event of note was that the waitress was so awestruck by Lucy's curly hair she asked if she could touch it.
"Well your hair is amazing," Amir says.  "Now I want to touch it!"

Lucy has always been convinced that her bouffant blonde curls make her look like a middle-aged saddo who hasn't changed her style since the 80s and is still hoping that legwarmers and neon are going to come back into fashion.  But if Amir likes her hair, then he's more than welcome to touch it.  In fact, he'd be most welcome to touch any part of Lucy he likes.
He reaches over and plays his fingers through the curls.  "It's so soft!"
Lucy leans closer.  The experience of having her crush touching her makes her tummy feel funny.

Are they having a moment?  Lucy hasn't drunk nearly enough yet to know what to do.   She takes a gulp of wine to speed up the process.

"I'm going to start going on dates soon," Amir says.  "But I have no clue.  Might need your help."

In no way whatsoever does Lucy want to help Amir find dates online, but they are still in the dreaded Friend Zone, so she basically has no bloody choice.

Against her better judgement she therefore spends the next twenty fucking minutes showing him Tinder, Bumble, Happn and the rest, explaining how they work, and giving him the critical dos and don'ts of guy dating profiles.
 "No mirror selfies, no topless shots, and write something in your bio, " she advises.  

Idiot.  Should've told him that girls like crotch shots, gym shots, and pictures with other women in them.  Anything to ensure he gets as few matches as possible.

"But I don't have any good photos of me at all," he complains.
"Why don't I take one for you now?"  What did you say that for?  No wonder you're single, you fucking twat.
She pulls out her phone and snaps a picture.  Amir is resting his head on his hand and looking down the lens with a slight smile.  His hair is messy and he has a day's worth of stubble, but he looks sexy AF.  
This can't be far off what he looks like first thing in the morning, she thinks, wistfully.  And the photo will be something pretty to look at on the train journey back to Brighton. Not to mention every morning, noon and night until the End Of Fucking Time.

She texts him the picture and puts her phone away.  "So anyway," she continues, "the main rule of online dating is: don't be a dick."
"I'm not a dick."
"I know you're not NOW, but after 6 months of online dating, with all the different women that you'll encounter, you'll probably become one."
"No I won't."
"Six months. Tops."
"Show me your profile?" he asks.
She shows him.  Obviously making sure she lingers over the photos that make her look her best. 
"You look gorgeous," he tells her.  Score.
"Well if you join Bumble you'll probably see me on there... depending on how you set your search settings.  But you might only want girls under 35, in which case you won't see me."
"What if I'm searching for gorgeous confident, over-35s with amazing hair?"
"Well I guess then you'd find me!" she grins.
"I'd definitely swipe right if I did. Would that be ok?  Can I do that?"
"Well I'd swipe right to see if you had, and then if we didn't match I'd be offended.  So you'd better bloody swipe right. I know where you live, remember?"

If the only way she can get a date out of Amir is to match with him on an app, Lucy is going to fucking kill herself.

"Thing is, I won't want to match with anyone because I'd have to go on a date and I won't know what to do," complains Amir.
Fuck's sake mate, this is getting a bit whiny now.
Lucy dredges up some patience for yet another pep talk. "Of course you will. It's just chatting to a stranger.  You do it all the time."
"Maybe we should go on a date."

And there it is.

Or is it? Lucy blushes, looks away.
"OK, sure," is all she can manage.
And then the waitress comes over and the moment is gone.

Later, she berates herself.  WTF happened there?  Did he ask me out or didn't he?  She should have looked him right in the eye and said "You want to go on a date with me?"  Then waited for him to give her a proper answer.
But she fucked it up like a stammering teenager with a crush and now she is going to spend the next week (month? year?) overanalysing that moment and what might have happened if...

Over dinner of arancini balls and pasta at a little Italian, Amir talks about his relationship history, and Lucy learns some unnerving things.

He cheated on Julie once.
"I'm not proud of it," he tells her.   "We were going through a rough patch, and she'd gone away to try to figure stuff out, and I got drunk and slept with a girl from work."

It's hardly Ross and Rachel on a break, Lucy thinks.  Does making Friends references mean I'm officially old now?

Amir also very recently nearly had a fling with a work colleague.  This was after the break up, but the work colleague is (a) married and (b) still very much in the picture.
"Work was really intense at the time, we were doing long hours and we got very close.  Then one night we got drunk and she missed the last train. She asked if she could stay at mine.  I knew if I let her come back stuff would happen, so I told her to get a hotel."

This is Not Good.  He cheated on his ex. He fancies his married colleague too much to trust himself alone with her.
This is what's bound to happen if you date a charming, attractive guy. There will always be other women snapping at your heels.  Fucking bitches.

Lucy needs to find herself someone boring and ugly.

For the rest of the evening Amir is full of compliments and offers of ways they can spend time together. He invites her round to meet his kids. He offers to cook her dinner.  He suggests they meet up another weekend and spend an entire day hanging out together.

But Lucy's not sure she trusts any of it.  He seems to be full of promises but will he ever deliver? She's beginning to think he's just twitchy about being single and looking for reassurance.  Why does everything have to be so difficult and complicated?

They walk back to Victoria Station together and he waits while she buys a ticket. The next train is in ten minutes.
"You don't have to wait," she tells him.  Hoping he'll insist anyway, of course.  Ten minutes is enough time for a snog.
But he doesn't.  He gives her a long hug and then walks away across the concourse.  Lucy watches him go.  He doesn't look back.

FML, thinks Lucy.

She boards the train. It's rammed but she manages to find a seat opposite a filthy bearded man with a beanie on pulled down low over his eyes.  He stinks of unwashedness and booze and is probably homeless.

She gets her phone out and texts Amir.

This conversation is SO fucked up.  Lucy wants to strike a balance between being flirty and encouraging Amir, while at the same time still maintaining the veneer of friendship.  But now she seems to be weirdly encouraging him to date other girls, which is not what she wants at all!

Time to reel it back in.  

But it seems Amir responds better to abuse than he does to compliments...

This kind of chat is definitely not Friend Zone territory.  Is he drunk?  He only had a couple of beers and a cocktail so he can't be.  But then why the actual fuck doesn't he just ask her out properly?

"I'm allowed to say that aren't I?"  Amir clearly knows he's crossed a line, and Lucy is happy to encourage him to take little baby steps ever further across it.  But her patience is already starting to wear thin.

Then there is silence.  He must have gone to bed.

And Lucy hasn't heard from him in over a week.

(To find out what happened next, click here)

The newly-single friend (Part 2)

Lucy's friend Amir recently broke up with Julie, his partner of 10 years with whom he has two kids.  

To read the story from the beginning, click here. 

Lucy and Amir have always enjoyed a healthy but entirely platonic mutual appreciation, but over the last few months the tone of his texts has turned increasingly flirty.  While Lucy rather enjoys this (who wouldn't enjoy being complimented by an attractive man?) she doesn't know if he's actually interested in her, or if he's just flirting because he's newly-single and wants an ego boost. 

She hopes it's the former.  Amir is smoking hot.  Not to mention being talented, clever and funny, and one of her most brilliant friends. Definitely husband material.

Recently, Amir took his kids on holiday.  Just before he went away, he sent Lucy a maddeningly cryptic request.

Then he fucked off to France without so much as a peep for two bastarding weeks, leaving Lucy in a totally loopy turmoil of confusion and mystery.

WTF did he mean? Was that his way of asking her out on a date? Does he fancy her? Does he LIKE her? Is he shagging lithe bronzed French girls while on holiday? (ooh la la).  Will he ever mention the topic again?

She tries to put him out of her mind by going on other dates and drinking a LOT of wine.  She also spends a frustrated Sunday trying to distract herself by composing a lengthy post for a work-related blog she writes (not this one, just FYI).  But nothing works.

Two weeks drag by, and then just as Lucy's about to call a doctor to get treatment for the RSI she's developed from constantly checking her phone, he texts:

Since he hasn't messaged her for two weeks, the correct thing to do would be to wait at least a day or two before replying. 

Or even a couple of hours would do.

Twenty minutes?

She manages two.

Amir can always be relied upon for an ego boost. It's one of his many qualities.

He wants a 'visual'?  Lucy wonders if she should pretend she's busy casually rubbing scented body butter into her freshly-waxed legs, dressed only in a skimpy silk nightie.

She's pretty sure Amir would be far less impressed to know that she's actually wearing slightly bobbly stretch jersey PJs, and that her legs would probably give him stubble rash.

Before she has time to reply, another message pings.

Lucy's pulse quickens. He's never told her he misses her before.  WTF is going on?!

She wants to find out more, but really bloody hates text tennis.  If you're having a conversation back and forth, and neither of you is busy, you should just pick up the fucking phone and speak in person like normal people.  Or at least, like people who can remember a time before texting was invented.

She wonders whether in the future they'll start selling phones without a call function. Wouldn't be bloody surprised.  They probably already do.  Fuck I'm old. 

He calls her immediately.  Fortunately just a phonecall, not FaceTime video.  Amir definitely doesn't need to see make-up-free, pyjama-clad Lucy.  At least, not yet.

"Hey!" She can hear the smile in his voice.
"Well hello there!  How was your holiday?"
"It was good!  Well, a bit weird, but good."
"Weird how?"
"Julie came too, for a bit, and for a while it was like we were a family again. Except we're not any more."

Could he be having regrets? If so, Lucy needs to stay well clear.  Happily, since he's 'just a mate', there's one easy way to find out.

"Are you having regrets?"
"Actually no. There was this one moment when we were all together in the pool, me and her and the kids, and we were having a really nice time, and I did get this little pang... but it passed.  And she left shortly afterwards and actually I felt quite relieved, like the pressure was off."

Lucy gives herself a quiet little high five.  Game on.

He asks her about work, and Brighton, and dating.  They're mates, so it's entirely legit for Lucy to tell him all about the hundreds of men who are vying for her attention, the multiple matches she gets each day, the fuckboys who are pursuing her just for sex and the charming one she's going on a second date with tomorrow night.

Can't hurt that this sort of information might make him jealous, of course.  And subtly let him know exactly how he needs to behave if he wants to stand a chance with her.  Start the training early.

They end up chatting for an exceedingly pleasant hour before Lucy decides she ought to call it a night.  Partly because it's late, but mostly because she has a vague idea that this might be one of The Rules for catching a man.  Something about how you should always end the conversation first to keep him wanting more?

Lucy doesn't actually know much about The Rules and is pretty sure they're complete outdated wank, but she can't help wondering if there may be just a teensy element of sense to them.

And this time, she's determined to do this right.  If Amir is interested, like properly interested, he needs to come to her.

It seems to work.  A day later, he texts to find out how her date went.  Lucy tells him it went well, the guy was attractive, and she's wondering whether she might have sex with him - since it's been a while since she had any action.  Is this oversharing?

All this flirting and hint dropping is flattering and entertaining, but Lucy wishes Amir would just man the fuck up and ask for an actual date.

He doesn't, but they do agree to meet for a drink.  Still keeping up the pretence that this is all entirely normal and the dynamic of their friendship has not changed in the slightest.

And since they are both British, they will probably carry like this until either one of them dies, or they both get smashed enough for the attraction to overpower the Britishness.  Which would have to be pretty fucking smashed.

Amir says he has to work on Saturday morning but will be free by around 2pm. So they arrange to meet mid-afternoon and see where the day takes them.  Neither makes plans for the evening.   An all-day hang out, with no specific plans, just enjoying each other's company (aka getting smashed).  No one says the word 'date'.

No one mentions the possibility of them getting wasted and falling into bed together.  No one has even thought of that.  That's definitely not what either of them is hoping for.  Absolutely no chance of that whatsoever.  Nope, none.  

None at all.

Categorically not. 

Lucy spends the week in hot anticipation.  But then, on Friday, a bombshell.

Amir texts her: his working Saturday has been extended and he now has to be away all day, and possibly into the evening too. 

Somewhat awkwardly, Lucy actually has a lunch date on Sunday.

She decides not to tell Amir this.  It's one thing for him to know she's dating, but quite another for him to think she's a total fucking whore.

But after all this build-up she badly wants to see him.  The obvious solution would be just to cancel Lunch Date Guy and see Amir on Sunday instead.  But again, there are The Rules.  She mustn't be too available. She must be mysterious and elusive and hard to get. 

Lucy is none of those things, but she's damn well going to give it a bloody good go.  If this whole thing fucks up, it will NOT be her fault.

Mysterious and unavailable Lucy tells Amir she's not free on Sunday.  His only option is to make sure he gets out of work early enough on Saturday to see her that evening as originally planned.  But Lucy knows full well that when it comes to work, Amir can be as flaky as a teenage lad with a severe case of eczema.

And she's damned if she's going to get dressed up and then wait around at home for him all evening like some fucking Cinderella dreaming of her prince.  That would be Not Cool.

So she calls another friend and arranges to go for an early evening drink, before hopefully heading off to meet Amir.  Should he decide to fucking rock up. 

On Saturday afternoon she spends at least two hours trying to establish that tricky balance between perfect hair and makeup and looking like you've not made any kind of effort.   Happily, since Lucy's hair is rather unruly, and she's still doing her makeup the way she taught herself when she was about fourteen (before YouTube tutorials were invented), the lack-of-effort look is relatively easy to achieve.

Lucy has a decent enough time drinking wine with the friend and a bunch of other randoms, but she can't stop checking her phone for any word from Amir. 

But there is silence.  As predicted, flaky as fuck.  

She stays out with the randoms for as long as she can be bothered, and then heads home.  Just as she gets back, her phone beeps.

Crikey.  That WAS a long day. And from the typos in his text it looks like it may have nearly broken him.   So Lucy can't be angry. Anyway, she had a nice enough evening, unlike poor, overworked Amir.

He doesn't reply.  On Sunday morning Lucy gets up, goes to the gym, and spends a pleasant half hour on the treadmill fantasising a scene in which she and Amir meet up and without any further ado he just walks straight up to her and kisses her.  

And maybe he's got some sort of sixth sense, because when she finishes her run she finds this on her phone:

Bit keen!  But the repeated missed calls don't freak her out in the slightest.  If anything, they make her heart beat a little faster.  Or maybe that's just the running.

She calls him back.  Amir apologises profusely for standing her up, and asks if there is any chance she's free to meet him that day instead.

The temptation to bin her date with Lunch Date Guy is nearly overwhelming.  But she reminds herself:  Don't. Be. Too. Available.

Also, it's not cool to bin people on the date of the date. Guys have done that to her before and it's properly shite behaviour.  She won't be that person, no matter how hot her better offer.

So they agree to meet for dinner that evening instead.

The Lunch Date passes in a blur.  Lucy barely even notices the guy - she's far too preoccupied with what might be about to happen that evening.

(To find out what happened, click here)

The newly-single friend (Part 1)

Lucy's friend Amir has recently split up from his long-term partner.

Lucy and Amir met through work, and have been friends for about five years.  They don't work together any more, but they have a feisty ongoing WhatsApp chat, and get pissed together every so often.

When they met, Lucy was living with The Ex, and Amir was with Julie.  Getting together was never even a possibility.  So they developed an easy, relaxed friendship based on brilliant banter, mutual appreciation, and a fair bit of innocent flirting.  Amir frequently praises Lucy for her talent and humour, which just goes to show what an intelligent and discerning fellow he is.



Amir is two years older than Lucy, and he's funny, clever, and extremely handsome.  Also, he has the greatest hair known to man.  Other guys stop and stare at him in the street, and girls regularly chat him up on the tube.  Lucy's sure it's because of his thick, lustrous, dark head of hair, now lightly sprinkled with salt and pepper.  If Amir could bottle his hair genes and sell them to bald men, he'd be a millionaire in no time.

But in spite of the perfect hair, Lucy's never really fancied him before, because he had a partner and two children. And because he comes across as a bit cocky (with hair like that, who can blame him?).  But mostly because he's only about an inch taller than her, and Lucy doesn't fancy short guys.  No matter how hard she tries.

And boy, has she tried.  She's dated a few men who were the same height as her, and even slept with one or two.  But every time she gets up close and personal to a man who isn't significantly bigger than her, she feels like a big fat butch lump of blubber.  And that's just not sexy.

But although Lucy doesn't lust after Amir, she has always thought of him as one of the Good Ones. You know, as in 'why are the Good Ones always taken?'  One of the ones you're hoping will get divorced so you can snap them up second time round.

This, I'm afraid, is the lot of the late 30s single woman.  All the Good Ones have been grabbed already by girls who in their 20s were prettier and more confident than Lucy.  But statistics say that sooner or later a good 50 per cent of them are going to come back round again and this time, Lucy will have the last laugh.  In the meantime she's been busy keeping her body as near gym-toned perfection as her wine and sugar addictions will allow, and getting eight hours sleep a night, so that when the next Good One becomes available, she'll be the fantasy dreamgirl at the top of his wishlist.

Ok so fantasy dreamgirl might be a little optimistic, but she's definitely doing better than quite a few of her smug married girlfriends on whom the pressures of motherhood have started to take their toll.

And now Amir is no longer taken.

He and Julie were together for 10 years and split up at the end of 2016.  Now he feels like he's ready to dip his toe back in the dating pool, but is lacking confidence, and he's started turning to Lucy.

Amir has also started asking Lucy for her advice about online dating.



Lucy's not sure how she feels about this.  On the one hand, a few nightmare experiences with the crazy women of the Tindersphere might help Amir realise what a total catch Lucy is.  On the other, she doesn't want him doing anything stupid like going on just one date and meeting the new love of his life.

Which has happened at least two friends of hers.  Bitches.

But the thing is, although Amir might be considering getting back into dating, Lucy is pretty sure that he's interested in her too.

At the work Christmas party, when he was drunk, he made a half-suggestion about coming home with her.  Lucy pretended not to understand and ran away.

More recently, he sent her a rather mysterious late night WhatsApp.

Ah, but was it a joke? Lucy wonders.

Recently, Amir and Lucy met up for a drink after work. One thing led to another and before she knew it... (no, it's not like that, get your mind back up out of the gutter)... before she knew it, it was 2 am and they had sunk two bottles of wine and cocktails and were having the best laugh EVER.

At the tube station, they hugged for ages before going their separate ways.  Lucy got the strong impression that Amir wanted to kiss her.  What she doesn't know is whether this is just him feeling single and lonely and wanting a little affection and reassurance, or whether he likes her.  Like, you know, wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship LIKES her.  Seems a little soon after his breakup for that, tbh.

Amir asks Lucy to let him know when she's home safe.

'You smell amazing'?  Is that really something you say to someone who's just a friend?

Safely home, the chat continues. 

There is definite Chemistry here.  With a capital C.  But Lucy needs to be careful.  She's not at all sure whether she has proper feelings for Amir or just has a lot of fun with him as a friend.  And also, she doesn't want to ruin the friendship by getting messy with him when he's on the rebound.  

That said, The Ex got engaged to his rebound girl just five months after he dumped Lucy.  The cunting bastard.

But it does mean being the rebound girl might not be the worst thing.

After their drunken evening together, Lucy doesn't hear from Amir for a few days.  And then out of the blue comes a strange request. 

Lucy's stomach does a little skip of excitement.  This is intriguing... what could it be?

Ok, so this is... interesting.   A mock date?  What does he mean?

Seriously, it's not as if Amir needs to practise talking to women.  He's charming and chatty, he meets new people through work all the time.  It's not like he's socially awkward.  He doesn't work in fucking IT, for Chrissake!

But this is good gossip. She shares screengrabs with her friend Lily, to get a second opinion.

Lucy and Lily have known each other a short time, but already they are BFFs.  They have top level fun together, and agree on everything (just once, Lily disagreed about something, and Lucy was really shocked - until she discovered that it was just a misunderstanding and Lily did actually agree with her after all).  

Lily gives great advice on everything from work to boys to fashion, and can always be relied up on to say it as she sees it, with no sugarcoating.  Lucy thinks Lily is just The Best.  Sometimes she wishes they were both gay so they could get together and Lucy could be done with stupid fucking men once and for all. 

But sadly both Lucy and Lily prefer boys.  We all have our crosses to bear. 

As usual, Lily gives her sensible clear-cut analysis of the Amir situation. 

So she's not imagining it.  Amir just asked her out on a not-a-date.  This is very exciting indeed. 

They do always say the best relationships begin with friendships, and Lucy likes Amir a lot.  Plus he ticks most of her boxes apart from the height thing and the fact that he has two kids.  

Which to be fair, are both pretty big deals.   But nobody's perfect. 

So Lucy accepts - taking care to keep up the pretence that this is just a helpful friends thing.  Which, you know, it might be.  Men are weird and dysfunctional and Lucy doesn't understand them at all.  So it's entirely possible that in Amir's fucked up man mind this is a perfectly normal thing to do with someone who is just a good friend. 

Amir is off on holiday for two weeks, so they leave it there.  It remains to be seen whether he will get in touch once he's back, or whether he'll have shacked up with some 28-year-old hottie by then.  Lucy wouldn't be surprised. 

To find out what happened, click here.