The newly-single friend (Part 6)

By now you're probably all familiar with the ongoing drama with Lucy's newly-single friend Amir.

If you're not, you can read from the beginning here (you might need a cuppa and a comfy chair for that though).  If you'd prefer a quick recap, the most recent post is here.

In a nutshell, after weeks of crazy flirting, Amir finally asked Lucy out on a date.  But then, a few days before the thrilling day in question, he cancelled the date with barely an apology and vanished. 

Since then, Lucy has been finding tenuous excuses to contact him, in the hope that if she reminds him of her existence, he might actually get round to asking if they can reschedule the aborted rendezvous.

Most recently, she rang him with a (semi) genuine work-related question.  He didn't answer his phone, so she left a message which she hopes sounded nonchalant and not at all needy and desperate. 

But three days later, he hasn't called back, and Lucy has been forced to solve the work problem by herself.  

Amir, of course, has no idea she's done that. For all he knows, she could be desperately struggling without the answer.  Some fucking friend he's turning out to be. 

So since she still has a legitimate excuse, she gives him a gentle nudge.

And again he vanishes.

Diary of a ghosting 

Lucy is driving herself insane with wondering.  What the fuck happened?  A few weeks ago he was full of smiles and compliments, texting all the time, flirting furiously.  They had a date in the diary. It was all finally going right.

And then he cancelled the date, with barely an apology, and since then has been remote at best, and basically a dating app fuckboy at worst.

She doesn't understand.  Did she do something wrong?  What the fuck happened?!

Lucy has a sneaking suspicion she knows exactly what's happened.  Her spidey senses can feel it, and she's learning that her spidey senses are right more often than not.

It seems that all of it, ALL OF IT, all the flirting and the heart-eyed emojis and the 'I have a thing for your hair's and 'You're awesome's and the 'You're stunning's... all of it, meant nothing.  He was just using her.  Getting reassurance and a boost for his fragile ego, which has been bruised by the ending of his relationship.  He was never really interested in her, which is why he was so flaky about asking her out on a date. It wasn't because he was shy, or afraid of ruining the friendship, or uncertain of her feelings.  He was just never really that interested.  He simply wanted to be reassured that he isn't going to be single forever, that he still 'has it'.

In other words, he was fucking using her.

And now that he's discovered Bumble, he no longer needs her.  He's off swiping and flirting with other girls, girls who are more interesting because they are mysterious and new and he hasn't seen them cry, or with 3-day hair, or bedraggled from getting caught in the rain, or any of the other things he's seen Lucy do over the course of their friendship.

This realisation makes her deeply disappointed.  For a few weeks she has allowed herself to get her hopes up that this could be something real.  The possibility of - whisper it - an actual relationship with a great guy.  And not just any guy - one who knows her, who knows her crazy, who's seen her at her worst, and still thinks she's great.  After many years of swiping, and dating, finally she thought she might be able to put it all behind her.

But it was all an illusion.  And the injustice of it all is driving her crazy.  If he were just another stranger off a dating app, it'd be easy enough to let it go.  But he's not a stranger.  He's her friend. And for him to start ghosting her is completely unacceptable.

She needs to speak to him.

But she mustn't, she can't.  Must. Resist.

Her resolve lasts a couple of days, but eventually, after a few drinks on a Friday night, her twitchy texting finger gets the better of her.

Literally the second she's hit send, she regrets it. But it's too late now. It's out there.

Not that it really matters, since yet again Amir doesn't reply.

After two more days of silence, Lucy texts her friend Lily for a rant.  She replies in the concise and practical way only Lily can.

The longest week

On Monday, he still doesn't reply.  Lucy is starting to seethe with indignation.

Over the course of the day she checks WhatsApp a few times. He's been online regularly, so he's definitely not dead.

Maybe he's just busy. But it's been over a week.  No one is that busy!

On Tuesday, he doesn't reply.

Lucy's sadness has turned to full-blown anger.  She's aware that she should just let it go. But she can't.  She is SO ANGRY.  He promised he wouldn't ghost her.  She's not some random girl on a dating app. She's LUCY!  Supposedly his friend. Supposedly the woman he thinks is 'stunning' and 'a beauty' and who 'gets hotter every time he sees her'.  So why can't have the FUCKING DECENCY TO FUCKING REPLY?!

She needs to know if the reason he's gone silent is because he's met someone else. So she comes up with a cunning plan.  She decides to call Rick, Amir's best friend and godfather to his children.  Lucy's known Rick for almost as long as she's known Amir, when they all worked together.  If anyone can shed any light on this, it's him.

So in an effort to get her blood pressure back down to normal levels, she invents a totally-made-up work-related question Rick will know the answer to, and calls him.   He solves the fictitious problem immediately.

"Thanks!" Lucy says.  "You know we should totally get together for a drink soon. It's been ages!"
Rick agrees that it has, and they should.
"We should get Amir to come too," Rick adds.
"Ok," agrees Lucy, though she's not sure how she feels about this now.  "Only I think he might be busy," she adds. "I sent him a message the other day, and he hasn't replied.
Rick unhelpfully agrees that Amir might indeed be busy, but says he hasn't spoken to him in a while, so doesn't really know what's going on.
"But I think he might still be having issues with Julie," he adds.

Could this be it?  He's withdrawn because of ongoing issues with his ex-partner?

"But last time I saw him he seemed ok," Lucy tells Rick. "He was asking for advice about online dating.  How's that working out for him?"
"I think he might have been on a few dates.  I think there was one girl he saw a few times.  I don't really know."

You don't really know?!  What kind of best fucking friend are you anyway, Rick?!

Men are useless. Why does anyone even bother?

Rick's wife is due to have her first child in a matter of weeks.  He tells Lucy it'd be nice to meet up for a drink before the baby comes, so they agree to go out next week.  He offers to call Amir and invite him too.

Lucy's not too sure about this.  Does she even want to see Amir after this?  Unlikely.  Not that the drink is likely to happen anyway - these boys are just too fucking flaky.  And even if Rick manages to show up, will he bring Amir?  Seems doubtful.

On Wednesday Amir still hasn't fucking replied to the messages.  By now, like one of the stages of grief, Lucy's anger has subsided to resignation and acceptance.  But she's still hurt and mystified.  Why would he lead her on like that, only to drop her so resoundingly?

It bugs her all day.  It bugs her so much that she realises that it will continue to bug her unless she does something about it.  So she calls him.

She knows she's not supposed to. She knows it's breaking all the rules. But the game is already lost, that's clear. So it doesn't matter any more.  She's no longer playing to win, she just wants answers.

The call goes to voicemail.  She leaves a message, trying to keep her voice as light as possible.

"Maaaate! S'Lucy! Just calling to check up on you, cos, y'know, you seem to have vanished! Which is a bit weird, cos you're normally pretty good at replying!  So I'm thinking either you're dead, or I've done something to upset you... in which case I'm sorry! Either way, call me and let me know! Ok bye!"

Afterwards, she feels better.  But it's a temporary fix.  She knows if he doesn't respond soon, the whole cycle of fury will begin again... only ten times worse.

On Thursday he doesn't reply, but instead he casually likes one of her photos on Instagram.  Lucy nearly bursts a blood vessel.

By Saturday the anxiety and stress has returned.   She goes to a spinning class and feels like she might have a heart attack. With nothing to distract her mind, only pedalling, her over-active brain starts going into overdrive trying to figure out what to do. Should she call Rick and ask him to investigate? Should she call Amir and leave a frank and honest message about how hurt and upset she is?  In her head she starts imagining what such a message would say... and as she does she can feel her blood pressure and heart rate going through the roof.  Her chest feels tight and she starts finding it hard to breathe - and she's pretty sure it's not just because she's in an exercise class.

On Sunday he still hasn't replied.  Lucy wishes she could calm down and let it go, but it's impossible.  She knows that contacting him again would only let him know how much he's affected her - and why should she give the fuckboy that satisfaction?  It will only make him think she's crazy.  Which perhaps she is.

But she can't let it go.  She needs an explanation.  So she takes a deep breath and calls him - and this time there is no playing it cool.  Her pulse is racing and she tries to keep her voice steady.

"So, hey, it's me again.  Listen, you still haven't got back to me, so clearly there is something going on. Maybe you're just too busy, but no one is so busy they can't reply to a simple message in over a week.  Plus you weren't too busy to like one of my pictures on Instagram.   So clearly there is something going on.  And I know things seem to have got a bit weird between us, but I wish you would just talk to me, because we've been friends for a long time, and you promised me you wouldn't ghost me. When I said I'd give you 6 months before you became a dating app fuckboy, you said you wouldn't, but already you're exhibiting typical fuckboy behaviour.   So please, mate, just talk to me, because I'm getting pretty upset about this now.  Ok, bye."

By the time she gets to the end she can feel herself starting to tear up and her voice is beginning to shake.  She hangs up quickly.

About a minute later he texts back.

And that is all.  She doesn't reply.

An hour later, her phone pings again.

Fuck.  So now she looks like the crazy one who has massively overreacted.  But has she? Lucy doesn't think so.  But there's a decent chance she's so blinking barmy she wouldn't even realise.

Sometimes Lucy just wishes she could get the fuck out of her own head.

But at least he's replied.  And now the ball is firmly back in her court, Lucy can stop stressing, and wondering, and getting upset.  Instead of being powerless, now she has the power.  And she's not afraid to use it - by giving him a taste of his own medicine.  Let him see how he likes being ghosted.

The meeting

A few days later, Rick gets back in touch, wanting to know if she's still up for that drink.  Lucy would love to see him, but she definitely doesn't want to go if Amir will be there.
"Will he?"
"No, he's away with work."
"Oh what a shame," Lucy lies.  "Just you and me then!"

Lucy's hoping Rick can shed some light on the whole situation.  She wonders if Amir has said anything to his mate about what's been going on with her,  or whether there is something else going on she doesn't know about.

And as if his sixth sense knows he's going to be the hot topic of conversation, that very afternoon Amir calls her.  Twice.

Swiftly followed by this...

Lucy ignores him.  She wants to speak to Rick first and find out what's going on.  But how can she do this without saying too much and having it all get back to Amir?  She needs to play it cool, do a little bit of gentle digging, and try not to overshare too much.  

Lucy is totally deluded if she thinks that's possible.

In fact she lasts precisely one and a half glasses of wine before the floodgates open and the entire sorry saga comes pouring out.  Rick, bless him, listens patiently as she unloads the entire lot onto him like a tidal wave - even showing him some of the text messages Amir sent her and the Bumble chat. 

He's shocked.  Well, either that, or he's acting shocked because he's a good friend and he knows that's what he's supposed to say.

"That's really not on," Rick says.  "He can be so fucking needy sometimes without realising the effect he might be having.  Looks like he was just using you to boost his fragile ego."

"I KNOW!" says Lucy. 

"You know he really is very needy.  I probably shouldn't tell you this but Julie is getting pretty annoyed with him too - he's not pulling his weight with the childcare and he messages her constantly.  I guess he still needs to get over the fact that it was her that ended it."

It was Julie that ended it?  Lucy did not know this.  She'd been led to believe it was a mutual decision. 

Rick continues: "And I guess he was just enjoying flirting with you but didn't realise it might mean something to you.  And now he doesn't need you any more because he's got a girlfriend."

WTAF?  He's got a girlfriend?  Al-fucking-ready?! The guy has only been on dating apps for, like, a nanosecond, and he's already got a girlfriend?  So Lucy has been looking for a nice man for basically her entire fucking life, and Amir just does, what, two swipes and finds someone?  How is that even remotely fair, in any way, shape or form?!

The wine is making her even more furious.  But calm and patient Rick is handling it well. 

While they're chatting about Amir, he texts again.  It's as if he knows he's being discussed (which to be fair, he probably does).

Again, Lucy doesn't reply. 

At the end of the evening, Lucy gives Rick permission to say whatever he likes to Amir.  She doesn't give a fuck any more, and she's done with playing it cool.  He needs to know, and it might even be easier if he hears it from someone else. 

But what should she do now?  Wait for the message to filter through?  Or reply? And if so, when, and what should she say?

And the messages keep on coming...

To be continued...?

The newly-single friend (Part 4)

Lucy has been having a promising flirtation with her charming, handsome and funny friend Amir.

To read what happened last time, click here.

Lucy and Amir have been mates for over 5 years, but since he broke up with his partner last Christmas their friendship has become increasingly flirty. Amir regularly tells her she's gorgeous, and hints at the possibility of a date - but in spite of the endless compliments, he so far hasn't quite managed to get to the point of actually asking her out.  Lucy is finding it both exhilarating and also mindfuckingly infuriating. 

Last time they met, Amir asked Lucy for advice on how to create a good profile for the dating app Bumble. This put Lucy in a tricky position.  Obviously she'd rather be grabbed by the pussy by Donald Trump than help Amir hook up with another woman - but technically at the moment they are still just friends. So she had no choice but to agree to help.  

She hopes her advice turns out to be a big pile of useless crap.

Since that last meeting it's been a couple of weeks without any word from Amir.  Then out of the blue he pops up again late one evening - in a pretty spectacular fashion.

Lucy is on a work trip, asleep in a German hotel, and the vibrating of her phone wakes her up.  She reaches over blearily to silence it, and as she does so she sees the message.  For a moment she's not sure if she's awake or dreaming.

Stunning mildly crazy beauty?!  What a message to receive in the middle of the night!  He thinks she's stunning AND a beauty?  As for the mildly crazy, while that might seem rude, it's really just gentle teasing.  Lucy sometimes jokes that all women are a bit bonkers, but she's definitely less bonkers than most, and Amir tells her he likes her brand of crazy because it's cute and funny. So what he's really saying is that he thinks she's gorgeous and amusing.

This is definitely not the sort of message a friend would send. 

Since it's the middle of the night, Lucy goes back to sleep.  Let him wait.  But it appears he's a bit impatient, because early the next day he messages again.

At this point Lucy is in a meeting, so it's definitely not the right time to be getting into what could potentially be a flirtatious conversation.  Anyway, he vanished for over a week, so it might do him some good to have to wait a while.  Plus it'll make Lucy seem important and unavailable, which can only be a Good Thing.

She finally replies at the end of the day with a message that she hopes will make her sound both hardworking and modest.

(In other words, get the fucking hint, Amir!  Ask for a fucking date already!)

The next day, Lucy flies back to London. Barely has her plane touched the runway than she fires up her phone, swiping furiously on Bumble in search of his profile.  To make sure she has every chance of finding it, she even widens her distance settings to show her every guy in the right age range within a 20 mile radius.  She's determined to make damn sure he doesn't slip through the net.

This has the unfortunate side effect of showing her dozens of potential new matches, all of whom she has to reject in the hunt for the one she's looking for.  Lucy swipes left continually all the way through the passport control queue, where the fierce lady supervising the automatic gates looks at her as though she might be a terrorist and makes her put her phone away.  She carries on swiping through baggage reclaim, where for the first time ever Lucy is annoyed when her suitcase comes out first.  She barely acknowledges her taxi driver as he takes her bag and leads her to the car, all the time swiping, swiping, swiping... and just occasionally experiencing a small pang of regret as she bypasses someone who looks like he might be nice.  Sorry love, not now.  Right now she's only interested in one man.

And then suddenly, there he is.

This might have been one of those terrible moments where, with the left-swipe action firmly established, Lucy could have rejected Amir by mistake before she could stop herself.  And maybe, with hindsight, it would have been better if she had done just that. 

But she doesn't. She stops and looks at his photos. The main one is one she's seen before, on his WhatsApp profile, and it makes him look smiley and rather young.  The others are more accurate reflections of what he really looks like, a little grizzled around the edges, but sexier.  He hasn't used the one she took of him in the bar last time they met. 

That's fine, she thinks. I'll keep that one just for me.

She takes a deep breath, and swipes right.

BOOM! It's a match.

Lucy exhales in relief.  After all the flirting - and his message - it would have been extremely odd if Amir hadn't swiped right on her profile, but all the same, you never know.  Men are fucking weird sometimes and Lucy really has no clue how their minds work.

Now they've matched, Lucy has a new problem. The rule of Bumble is that women have to make the first move - guys can't message until the girl has.  This means that Lucy has to compose an engaging opening message.  OH THE PRESSURE!

Normally she'd send something brief but hopefully witty that shows she's looked at the guy's profile. Nothing too long in case he doesn't bother to reply and it turns out to be a waste of time.  Nothing that sounds like it might have been copied and pasted from another chat (even though, yes, she'll admit it... sometimes it is).

But this is different, she thinks.  This is Amir. He's not a random stranger.  She doesn't need to start with a friendly question because she already knows loads about him.

But then she has a brainwave.  What if she were to pretend that she doesn't?  If the fact that they're friends is getting in the way of him asking her out on a date, maybe removing the friends aspect will solve the problem.

Time for a little role play action...



And then she waits for a reply.  And waits.  And fucking waits.

Hours go by and there is no response.  The suspense is driving her bonkers.

According to the rules of Bumble, Amir has just 24 hours to reply to her message before the match expires and the connection will vanish.  The clock is ticking like an incredibly stressful episode of Countdown where the prize isn't just bragging rights but the chance for love and happiness.  Lucy feels like Cinderella: she has just a few hours left to win her prince before the spell is broken and she'll turn back into a pumpkin.

So why hasn't he replied?  Is he busy? Playing it cool?  Has he lost interest?  What if he isn't checking his messages?  FFS!

Lucy weighs up the options. Given his attention so far, it seems pretty unlikely that he's suddenly lost interest.  No, she thinks, he must have notifications turned off, so he won't know he has a match or have seen her message.  This is a nightmare!  What if he doesn't check? What if the match expires?!

Calm the fuck down woman, she thinks.  It's only a dating app.

But still, it seems like she is finally on the cusp of something brilliant.  She simply can't let the opportunity slip through her fingers.  Not now she's come this far.

So she sends him a message via WhatsApp.

Lucy doesn't get a chance to reply to his text, because the next moment, he also pings her a reply on Bumble.

And she's back in the game.

What's more, he's taken the bait.  The we-don't-know-each-other role play is ON. Things are about to get interesting... 

And just like that, Lucy's stomach falls through the floor.

What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck?!

Is this really what this whole thing has been about?  All that teasing, all that flirting, for weeks... it was all just in the hope of getting into her pants?

Surely not.  It can't have been.  Could it?

The shock and disappointment make Lucy feel slightly nauseous.  She doesn't know how to respond. Is he fucking serious?  Or is this just part of the role play: they're pretending to be two strangers on Bumble, so he's ably playing the role of the typical dating app fuckboy.  It must be a joke!

Yes... it MUST be a joke, albeit a fucking crap one.  Amir could get a casual hookup anywhere, if that's what he wanted.  Surely he wouldn't be so stupid as to ruin their entire friendship for a meaningless shag?  He's even told her about getting propositioned recently, but he turned the girl down because 'that's not what he's looking for'.

But if his comment was a joke, why didn't he follow it up with a winky face emoji, or a 'just kidding' like he did before?  Arrrrggggghhh! FFS!

No, it must be part of the role play. Surely she knows him well enough to know that he wouldn't seriously proposition her like that.  Doesn't she?

She decides to give him the benefit of the doubt and carry on playing.

This is better, she thinks.  Though the creeping doubt is still there, nagging her in the back of her mind. 

But at least he's asked her out now.  A date! An actual date! Break out the champagne!

This is much better, Lucy thinks.  A bit of humour, a few choice compliments, and he's even showing off his excellent use of English.  It must be said Lucy does like a guy with a large... vocabulary.

From the comfort of her sofa Lucy smiles to herself.  Well it WAS a good line.  This conversation is about as much fun as Lucy has had on her own in a very long time.

She just needs to give Amir a bit more encouragement.

The Quantum Leap reference makes Lucy laugh out loud.  She absolutely loves that Amir is on exactly the same wavelength as her - cracking jokes that she finds hilarious and making slightly obscure pop culture references that only certain geeky kids of the 90s would get.

Lucy once told Amir that she'd kissed a guy who wasn't very good because his rhythm was too mechanical.  Clearly he was paying attention.  So he's a good listener too.

But the fact that he's suddenly brought up kissing is an interesting new development.  Is that what's on his mind?

The idea makes Lucy's imagination stray to places she's not sure it should go.  Things are so up in the air with Amir that she really doesn't want to get her hopes up.  But oh how she'd love to find out if what he's just said is true.

How to respond, though?  Is this his way of bringing the subject back round to sex - trying to see if she'd be up for a shag?  Or is it just a joke (the emoji suggests it is)? Should she encourage him by flirting back?  Lucy must admit she's pretty tempted - she wants to see where such a conversation might end up...

But hang on a tick, she thinks.  This is a role play. They're pretending they've never met.  So she should say the same thing she always says to total strangers who get a bit too carried away:

And the moment is gone.  Immediately Lucy is disappointed.  Did she shoot him down too soon?  Is she giving off the right signals?  Maybe she should have let the subject run a little and see where it led. 

I'm so mind-blowingly useless at this, she thinks. No wonder I'm fucking single. 

But there is no point rushing into things with Amir.  He's only just come out of what was essentially a marriage. She needs to take things slowly and find out what his intentions really are towards her.

This is interesting.  He doesn't say he's looking for anything serious - but what man fresh out of a 10-year relationship would ever say that anyway.

But now the conversation has lost its fizz.  Before it was sparky and light-hearted, and now it seems to have fallen flat.  This is my fault, Lucy thinks. I shouldn't have shot him down.  Why the fuck did she do that?  

Lucy wishes she could get the banter back. She needs Amir to think of her as fun and sexy, not needy and serious.  And more than anything, she needs to bring him back round to this date idea.

Lucy's confused. Did he not just suggest cocktails?  But now he's proposing a meal.  Or about a dozen other things.  Which is it?  This seems to be typical of Amir: he spends a lot of time coming up with great ideas for dates - but never actually makes good on the promise.

Well this time, she's determined to make sure he does.  And THEN they can have a few drinks together and let alcohol nature take its course.

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, they manage to agree a to meet up the Sunday after next. 

Lucy's not sure why Amir thinks she's being high-maintenance, but she doesn't care.  She's just thrilled beyond words that they've got a date in the diary. This is the BEST Bumble chat EVER! 

Obviously it sucks that it took a stupid role-play on a dating app to get to this point, but Lucy's not complaining. They have a date! An actual date! AND he promises he won't ghost her because she's awesome!  

And Lucy's sure he won't ghost her because he's not a typical dating app fuckboy.  He's one of the Good Ones. 

Of course she'll let him touch her hair. And anything else he wants to touch for that matter.

And he's gone.   Now Lucy will have to somehow manage to get through the next two weeks before she can see him. That's assuming he doesn't cancel on her again like he did last time.  She's really not sure she'd be able to bear it if he did...

(To be continued...)

The newly-single friend (Part 1)

Lucy's friend Amir has recently split up from his long-term partner.

Lucy and Amir met through work, and have been friends for about five years.  They don't work together any more, but they have a feisty ongoing WhatsApp chat, and get pissed together every so often.

When they met, Lucy was living with The Ex, and Amir was with Julie.  Getting together was never even a possibility.  So they developed an easy, relaxed friendship based on brilliant banter, mutual appreciation, and a fair bit of innocent flirting.  Amir frequently praises Lucy for her talent and humour, which just goes to show what an intelligent and discerning fellow he is.



Amir is two years older than Lucy, and he's funny, clever, and extremely handsome.  Also, he has the greatest hair known to man.  Other guys stop and stare at him in the street, and girls regularly chat him up on the tube.  Lucy's sure it's because of his thick, lustrous, dark head of hair, now lightly sprinkled with salt and pepper.  If Amir could bottle his hair genes and sell them to bald men, he'd be a millionaire in no time.

But in spite of the perfect hair, Lucy's never really fancied him before, because he had a partner and two children. And because he comes across as a bit cocky (with hair like that, who can blame him?).  But mostly because he's only about an inch taller than her, and Lucy doesn't fancy short guys.  No matter how hard she tries.

And boy, has she tried.  She's dated a few men who were the same height as her, and even slept with one or two.  But every time she gets up close and personal to a man who isn't significantly bigger than her, she feels like a big fat butch lump of blubber.  And that's just not sexy.

But although Lucy doesn't lust after Amir, she has always thought of him as one of the Good Ones. You know, as in 'why are the Good Ones always taken?'  One of the ones you're hoping will get divorced so you can snap them up second time round.

This, I'm afraid, is the lot of the late 30s single woman.  All the Good Ones have been grabbed already by girls who in their 20s were prettier and more confident than Lucy.  But statistics say that sooner or later a good 50 per cent of them are going to come back round again and this time, Lucy will have the last laugh.  In the meantime she's been busy keeping her body as near gym-toned perfection as her wine and sugar addictions will allow, and getting eight hours sleep a night, so that when the next Good One becomes available, she'll be the fantasy dreamgirl at the top of his wishlist.

Ok so fantasy dreamgirl might be a little optimistic, but she's definitely doing better than quite a few of her smug married girlfriends on whom the pressures of motherhood have started to take their toll.

And now Amir is no longer taken.

He and Julie were together for 10 years and split up at the end of 2016.  Now he feels like he's ready to dip his toe back in the dating pool, but is lacking confidence, and he's started turning to Lucy.

Amir has also started asking Lucy for her advice about online dating.



Lucy's not sure how she feels about this.  On the one hand, a few nightmare experiences with the crazy women of the Tindersphere might help Amir realise what a total catch Lucy is.  On the other, she doesn't want him doing anything stupid like going on just one date and meeting the new love of his life.

Which has happened at least two friends of hers.  Bitches.

But the thing is, although Amir might be considering getting back into dating, Lucy is pretty sure that he's interested in her too.

At the work Christmas party, when he was drunk, he made a half-suggestion about coming home with her.  Lucy pretended not to understand and ran away.

More recently, he sent her a rather mysterious late night WhatsApp.

Ah, but was it a joke? Lucy wonders.

Recently, Amir and Lucy met up for a drink after work. One thing led to another and before she knew it... (no, it's not like that, get your mind back up out of the gutter)... before she knew it, it was 2 am and they had sunk two bottles of wine and cocktails and were having the best laugh EVER.

At the tube station, they hugged for ages before going their separate ways.  Lucy got the strong impression that Amir wanted to kiss her.  What she doesn't know is whether this is just him feeling single and lonely and wanting a little affection and reassurance, or whether he likes her.  Like, you know, wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship LIKES her.  Seems a little soon after his breakup for that, tbh.

Amir asks Lucy to let him know when she's home safe.

'You smell amazing'?  Is that really something you say to someone who's just a friend?

Safely home, the chat continues. 

There is definite Chemistry here.  With a capital C.  But Lucy needs to be careful.  She's not at all sure whether she has proper feelings for Amir or just has a lot of fun with him as a friend.  And also, she doesn't want to ruin the friendship by getting messy with him when he's on the rebound.  

That said, The Ex got engaged to his rebound girl just five months after he dumped Lucy.  The cunting bastard.

But it does mean being the rebound girl might not be the worst thing.

After their drunken evening together, Lucy doesn't hear from Amir for a few days.  And then out of the blue comes a strange request. 

Lucy's stomach does a little skip of excitement.  This is intriguing... what could it be?

Ok, so this is... interesting.   A mock date?  What does he mean?

Seriously, it's not as if Amir needs to practise talking to women.  He's charming and chatty, he meets new people through work all the time.  It's not like he's socially awkward.  He doesn't work in fucking IT, for Chrissake!

But this is good gossip. She shares screengrabs with her friend Lily, to get a second opinion.

Lucy and Lily have known each other a short time, but already they are BFFs.  They have top level fun together, and agree on everything (just once, Lily disagreed about something, and Lucy was really shocked - until she discovered that it was just a misunderstanding and Lily did actually agree with her after all).  

Lily gives great advice on everything from work to boys to fashion, and can always be relied up on to say it as she sees it, with no sugarcoating.  Lucy thinks Lily is just The Best.  Sometimes she wishes they were both gay so they could get together and Lucy could be done with stupid fucking men once and for all. 

But sadly both Lucy and Lily prefer boys.  We all have our crosses to bear. 

As usual, Lily gives her sensible clear-cut analysis of the Amir situation. 

So she's not imagining it.  Amir just asked her out on a not-a-date.  This is very exciting indeed. 

They do always say the best relationships begin with friendships, and Lucy likes Amir a lot.  Plus he ticks most of her boxes apart from the height thing and the fact that he has two kids.  

Which to be fair, are both pretty big deals.   But nobody's perfect. 

So Lucy accepts - taking care to keep up the pretence that this is just a helpful friends thing.  Which, you know, it might be.  Men are weird and dysfunctional and Lucy doesn't understand them at all.  So it's entirely possible that in Amir's fucked up man mind this is a perfectly normal thing to do with someone who is just a good friend. 

Amir is off on holiday for two weeks, so they leave it there.  It remains to be seen whether he will get in touch once he's back, or whether he'll have shacked up with some 28-year-old hottie by then.  Lucy wouldn't be surprised. 

To find out what happened, click here.

Not down with the kids

Lucy goes on a date with Vincent, a commodities trader in the City.  Lucy already knows from his profile that he's a handsome guy, but in a startling break from the usual in-the-flesh disappointment, Vincent's photos actually don't do him justice.  In real life he is possibly the best-looking man Lucy has ever been out with.   Uh-oh, she thinks, if he's this attractive and still single, it probably spells trouble...

It's not long before the first signs appear.  

Lucy asks about Vincent's family.  He has a brother who lives in America, but he doesn't get on with his brother's wife. 
"Why not?" Lucy asks.
Vincent says it's because the sister-in-law is a bit 'new age'. 
Lucy asks if this means she's into homeopathy or feng shui.
"Oh no," explains Vincent.  "It's just that she doesn't believe in hitting her kids." 

Lucy's dream of making stunningly attractive babies with this man flies out the window. 

Vincent tells Lucy he doesn't use Facebook.  "I don't see the point," he says.  "If you need to share something with your friends, just do it on WhatsApp.  My friends use it to send me stuff all the time." 
"Oh? Like what?"
"Mostly porn videos."

Lucy remarks that perhaps Vincent should get some new friends. 

"Oh no, it's funny," he replies.  "The other day one sent me a video of someone shagging a dead person."
Lucy is not sure necrophilia porn is a good topic for a first date.  She scans the room for the nearest emergency exit. "Don't worry," Vincent says, "all guys do this.  If you don't know this, you clearly don't understand men."

Lucy realises she is going to die alone.

(But wait, there's more.  To find out what happened next, click here.)

These charming men

Here are the top three most inappropriate messages Lucy's received in the last month from men she's never even met...

3. Just read an article which says that 85% of women are uncomfortable with their s*xuality - u look like a nerdy princess to me so i'm guessing you're in the 85% 

2. Him: My subscription is about to expire. 
Lucy: Well maybe you'll have to renew it then! 
Him: No thanks, you're not that attractive. And what's with the curly hair?! It's not the 80s any more you know.

1. Lucy: is that your kid in the photo? 
Him: I've no kids... always manage to pull out and squirt over the breasts!! LOL!!!

Lucy thinks these guys' mums must be very proud.