Blast from the past

Lucy's matched with Mark from Bumble. 

Mark appears to be very handsome but it's hard to be sure as he only has two photos.  One is a head and shoulders shot with just blue sky behind.  The other is the same photo, only zoomed in.   

Lucy wonders if Mark has arms and legs. She messages him to see if she can find out. 

WTF? thinks Lucy.  We've met before?!

Lucy estimates she's been on several hundred internet dates in her time, so it's entirely possible she's forgotten a few of them.  But Mark's photo is not familiar in the slightest.  She really doesn't recognise him at all. 

There can be only one explanation.  Lucy is never wrong.  Mark must have made a mistake. 

Mark seems determined they've met before. How can this be?  If he's right, she's mortified!

Recently, on Bumble, Lucy came across a guy she'd had a date with about a year ago.  At the time he'd asked her out again but she'd turned him down.  Now, out of curiosity, she swipes right and messages him - and he completely doesn't remember her.  Lucy is outraged.  He was supposed to have been heartbroken!

She really doesn't want to be that person.  So she digs through all her old emails and WhatsApp chats to see if she's ever dated anyone called Mark before.  She ends up reading through some amusing past conversations and reminding herself of a few shockers... but there is no sign of Mark.

It's a complete mystery. She needs answers.

Facebook?  Lucy racks her tired, dating-addled brain.

Then the penny finally drops.

Lucy doesn't remember going on a date with Mark before because she never did go on a date with him.

Lucy met Mark in 2010 when she was travelling alone in New Zealand - back when she was younger and hotter but had just started dating The Ex.  She had just arrived in Christchurch and was eating dinner alone in a small cafe when Mark walked in.  He was also on his own, he was attractive, and Lucy wanted to meet people - so she bravely invited him to join her.  They ate together, swapped details and never saw each other again.

And now, here he is, 7 years later, single, and in London!  This is perfect.  Maybe the timing wasn't right when they met before but now fate has brought them back together.  This will be a great story to tell the grandkids.

Mark is a good, strong name.  And he's a lawyer.  She can definitely introduce him to her parents.

Lucy goes to Facebook to check his profile out and see if she can glean any more information. But she hits a snag.

It appears that at some point in the last 7 years she has defriended him.

All she can see is his profile photo, which is of a young David Bowie, and his cover photo, which shows some pissed-off looking cats superimposed onto a representation of the Galaxy.

Well this is awkward. The only thing she can do is try to style it out.

Lucy's not sure what to make of this.  Is he joking?  It sounds like he's joking.  But she doesn't know him at all, so maybe he's genuinely offended.  After all, she didn't believe him when he said they'd met before - and she's also deleted him from Facebook.  This is not going well.  

Lucy gives up on trying to style it out and tried to defend herself instead. 

Ah, ok, so he WAS joking.

Lucy can almost hear the sound of crashing and burning as her dreams of a summer wedding to a handsome solicitor fall to pieces.  But might be ok, she thinks, there's still a chance to rescue this, with a cheeky dig.

Oh.

WTAF?

The fantasy bubble bursts and Lucy lands with a thud.

Admittedly things weren't going brilliantly, but there was no need for that.

But maybe, just maybe, he's still joking.  Doesn't say much for his sense of humour, and it would be a pretty terrible joke to make via text with someone you don't know, but a joke is now the best case scenario here.

Lucy's not sure Mark deserves it, but she decides to give him one last chance.

Well what is that supposed to mean?  Was it a joke or not?  If he won't apologise, or explain himself, what is Lucy supposed to say?

She decides to say nothing and see if Mark will come back with a better response later.  He doesn't, and a few days after that he unmatches her.

Lucy has no idea what fate was playing at, but she wishes it would stop being such an arse.

Online d(eb)ating (Part 2)

Lucy has been asked on a date by Steve.  

Steve initially told Lucy he didn't find her attractive, and only swiped right on her profile because he swipes right on everyone and then decides later if he likes them or not. 

In other words, Steve is a first-class cockwomble. 

Lucy told Steve exactly what she thought of this kind of behaviour, but rather than make him block her and move to a different county, her approach - astoundingly - seems to have won him over. 

Crikey! she thinks.  That was unexpected.

She's curious, but of course there is no way she can actually meet him.  Don't forget he's an arsehole, she reminds herself. 

But then she reconsiders.  I've come this far, she thinks... why not take a risk?  Life is all about taking chances.  Who knows what might happen?  And at least I'd have a story to tell...

Steve wastes no time in making a plan.  Sort of.

Lucy should have known this would get weird.  The clues have been there since the beginning.  Who gives out their address to a random online date?  What sort of girl does he think would go round to a complete stranger's house?  And WTF is with the "wear clothes" comment?!

A big fan?!  Has Lucy got herself in too deep?  Is Steve going to turn out to have a penchant for inviting women back to his luxury bachelor pad in Westminster and slicing them up?

Not sure where this is now going, she offers a cautious reply.

Steve does not reply. 

Lucy wonders what exactly she has just avoided: a brutally painful death at the hands of an axe-wielding serial killer... or just a brutally painful date in the company of a self-obsessed City boy whose ego is bigger than his bank balance.

Either way, it's been a lucky escape. 

Online d(eb)ating

After a series of unsuccessful attempts to meet a nice guy on Bumble, Lucy decides to try something new.  So she signs up to Happn, the app that tries to pair you up with people you've crossed paths with.

She thinks the idea of fate is pretty much a load of bollocks, but if the guys live or work near her, that's got to at least make it easier when it comes to arranging dates.

Lucy soon matches with half a dozen guys, and efficiently sends each one a short hello message to get the ball rolling.

One of them is Steve.  Steve is 36 and says he likes "holidaying, wining and dining, and challenging himself to be a better man."  His profile photo is a selfie of himself in a dark suit in front of a hallway mirror.

Lucy thinks the mirror selfie makes Steve look like a narcissistic wanker.  But he's the right age and he's not yet showing any signs of middle age spread.  Plus he says he'd like to be 'a better man'.   Having spent 5 years battling to shape The Ex into the perfect boyfriend, Lucy's encouraged by the idea of a guy who's open to a little improvement.

But after a week or so, Steve hasn't replied.  In fact, not one of her new matches has.

Lucy is royally pissed off.  This happens All The Time on dating apps and as far as she's concerned, it's just about the rudest thing there is.  Why do guys bother to swipe right if they have no intention of communicating when they get a match?  What is the fucking point?  Is it just an ego thing, so they can see how many matches they get?  

Normally, Lucy would just let it go and move on, but not this week.  She wants answers.  This is one of life's great mysteries, right up there with why doesn't Tarzan have a beard and what on earth was Lost really all about?  So she decides to send a message to all of her non-correspondents, and see if any of them will give her answers.

Amazingly, she gets a response.  It's from mirror-selfie man himself, Steve.

Lucy is literally speechless with fury. "Swipe and like then assess"?!  "Haven't got time to be thoughtful in selection"??!  And most outrageous of all: "I don't find you attractive"??!!

What a cunt.

She pours herself a much-needed glass of wine and considers what to do next.  A sensible girl would just let it go and move on to the next one.  But Lucy has been 'letting it go' and 'moving on to the next one' over and over and Over and OVER for too long, and this time she's not going down without a fight.   

She's also not about to let a self-absorbed prick like Steve get the last word.

So she messages him back. 

BOOM! Mic drop and exit stage left, she thinks.   That's how it's done. 

But far from being crushed by her argument, the next day, Steve replies.

Suddenly this is getting interesting. Here's a guy who could have unmatched or blocked her at any time, but he's actually engaging with the conversation. And he seems intelligent, despite what the mirror selfie suggested.  Lucy's starting to enjoy the debate.   So she bounces the ball back into his court.

Nice, she thinks.  A couple of putdowns squirrelled away in there ought to get right up his nose.  

This time she neither needs nor expects a reply, but not long after, there he is again. 

Poor bunny. He's all confused, and now he's gone from "I don't find you attractive" to calling her a "very sweet girl".  Could this be because a woman who doesn't look like a Page 3 model has turned out to be interesting, with brains and a personality?  What a revelation that must have been!

Now Lucy's filled with a new missionary zeal.  She feels like Steve is on the cusp of a road-to-Damascus conversion.  She could be the one to open his eyes to a whole new world of possibilities, in which potential girlfriends don't only come in 5'5, 32DD, perma-tanned packages.   Not that she wants Steve for herself, it's far too late for that, but if she can change just one mind, it will have been time well spent.

Steve quickly pings back a response.

 WTAF??!  Did Mr "I don't find you attractive" just ask her out on a date?!

That was not part of the plan.  The point was simply to win Steve over with the power of her wit and personality.  And that's done.  Game, set and match.

But now things have taken an unexpected turn.  And the question is: should she accept...?

(To find out Lucy decided, click here)

These charming men

Here are the top three most inappropriate messages Lucy's received in the last month from men she's never even met...

3. Just read an article which says that 85% of women are uncomfortable with their s*xuality - u look like a nerdy princess to me so i'm guessing you're in the 85% 

2. Him: My subscription is about to expire. 
Lucy: Well maybe you'll have to renew it then! 
Him: No thanks, you're not that attractive. And what's with the curly hair?! It's not the 80s any more you know.

1. Lucy: is that your kid in the photo? 
Him: I've no kids... always manage to pull out and squirt over the breasts!! LOL!!!

Lucy thinks these guys' mums must be very proud.