Still not down with the kids

Lucy's been on one date with Vincent, the handsomest man she has ever been out with.  It wasn't exactly a roaring success.  It turns out Vincent has a few rather controversial opinions.

Having taken exception to some of these opinions on the first date, Lucy is certain she won't hear from him again.  She isn't bothered in the slightest.  Vincent was a bit of a knob.

So when he texts the next day, she's confused.  Didn't he notice her disagreeing with him?  Then she remembers that guys seem to like girls more when they're not interested.  Idiots.

I can't go on another date with this man, she thinks.  I've already told all my friends what a tosser he is.

Maybe Lucy and Vincent will be like one of those couples in movies who hate each other when they first meet and eventually sexy sparks will fly and they'll end up falling in love and getting married.

There's no way I can marry him, Lucy decides.  He'll want me to take his last name, and his last name is impossible to spell.  Giving my details over the phone will be hell.

Then she remembers that Vincent is hot as fuck and decides that it would only be fair to give the guy a second chance.

When Lucy arrives for the date, he's leaning against a wall outside the tube station in jeans and a yellow Ralph Lauren polo shirt, which sets off his tan and his ripped biceps perfectly.  Not an ounce of body fat on there, Lucy thinks.  Yum.

As she walks towards him he smiles, a flash of even white teeth against his brown skin.  Still has great hair, even though he's over 40.

Lucy feels a little flutter of attraction. He might be a bit of a dick but he's fit AS, so maybe she can forgive him.  At least for a while.

It's a sunny evening and Lucy is in a good mood.  A large glass of wine puts her in an even better mood.  She chatters away, not letting Vincent get a word in.

He doesn't have all that much to say for himself, she thinks.  Boring!

Vincent is very sporty and is a member of a running club.  Lucy tries to impress him by telling him she went to her first ever British Military Fitness class yesterday.  She doesn't tell him she joined BMF as a way of meeting hot men.

So far there have been no hot men in BMF, and Lucy can barely walk today.

Someday she hopes it'll be because of a hot man that she can barely walk the next day.

She doesn't tell Vincent that either.

Vincent has been watching the Grand Prix on the TV.  Lucy knows fuck all about Formula 1 and thinks it's mind-bendingly dull.
Vincent tells her that motorsports are fascinating because so much engineering goes into the cars.
"Did you know that when they brake on a wet road they can displace enough water to fill a bathtub?" he asks.
Lucy did not know that. She wonders what Vincent would look like in her bathtub.

Lucy tries to engage Vincent with some of the foody facts she has learned this week.
"Most people think prawn crackers are just prawn flavouring but did you know they actually contain 20% prawn meat?"
Vincent did not know that.  He seems impressed.

"Did you know that that bergamot, which is used to flavour Earl Grey tea, is a citrus fruit?" she quizzes.
Vincent has never even heard of bergamot and certainly never given it any thought.
Lacking in general knowledge, thinks Lucy.  Not a good sign.

Vincent tells her he doesn't know much about food because he doesn't cook all that much.  If he wants a nice meal he just rings up a friend and invites himself round for dinner.
They love having someone to cook for, he tells her.
Lucy wonders if the friends would say the same.
She deducts another point from Vincent's score. She needs a man who will cook for her.

Vincent recently signed up to one of those meal delivery services where they send you all the ingredients and you cook it yourself.
He tells her the meal was meant for two people but he ate it all himself.
At last, something we have in common! she rejoices.

Conversation starts to flag again, so Lucy asks Vincent where he lives.  He tells her he has a flat in South London.  That means he's stable and solvent. Check.
He's annoyed because all the properties in his area are being bought up by Jewish people.
"What's them being Jewish got to do with anything?" she asks.
"They just are," he tells her.  "They're buying up hundreds of properties. Jewish people are big property investors."
Lucy wonders if he's being anti-Semitic.
Then she wonders if she should tell him that her Dad is Jewish.

Happily, she remembers she has the totally legit excuse of having to catch a train back to Brighton.

Vincent offers to walk with her to the station.  Lucy is confused.
What can this mean?  Is he after a snog?  Surely he noticed we have zero chemistry?
Still she can't exactly stop him from walking with her.  She decides that if he goes in for a snog she will let him. He is fit, after all. And it would be far more awkward to try to dodge it.

Luckily, when they get to the station he just gives her a peck on the cheek and leaves.

Lucy is relieved.

Not down with the kids

Lucy goes on a date with Vincent, a commodities trader in the City.  Lucy already knows from his profile that he's a handsome guy, but in a startling break from the usual in-the-flesh disappointment, Vincent's photos actually don't do him justice.  In real life he is possibly the best-looking man Lucy has ever been out with.   Uh-oh, she thinks, if he's this attractive and still single, it probably spells trouble...

It's not long before the first signs appear.  

Lucy asks about Vincent's family.  He has a brother who lives in America, but he doesn't get on with his brother's wife. 
"Why not?" Lucy asks.
Vincent says it's because the sister-in-law is a bit 'new age'. 
Lucy asks if this means she's into homeopathy or feng shui.
"Oh no," explains Vincent.  "It's just that she doesn't believe in hitting her kids." 

Lucy's dream of making stunningly attractive babies with this man flies out the window. 

Vincent tells Lucy he doesn't use Facebook.  "I don't see the point," he says.  "If you need to share something with your friends, just do it on WhatsApp.  My friends use it to send me stuff all the time." 
"Oh? Like what?"
"Mostly porn videos."

Lucy remarks that perhaps Vincent should get some new friends. 

"Oh no, it's funny," he replies.  "The other day one sent me a video of someone shagging a dead person."
Lucy is not sure necrophilia porn is a good topic for a first date.  She scans the room for the nearest emergency exit. "Don't worry," Vincent says, "all guys do this.  If you don't know this, you clearly don't understand men."

Lucy realises she is going to die alone.

(But wait, there's more.  To find out what happened next, click here.)

These charming men

Here are the top three most inappropriate messages Lucy's received in the last month from men she's never even met...

3. Just read an article which says that 85% of women are uncomfortable with their s*xuality - u look like a nerdy princess to me so i'm guessing you're in the 85% 

2. Him: My subscription is about to expire. 
Lucy: Well maybe you'll have to renew it then! 
Him: No thanks, you're not that attractive. And what's with the curly hair?! It's not the 80s any more you know.

1. Lucy: is that your kid in the photo? 
Him: I've no kids... always manage to pull out and squirt over the breasts!! LOL!!!

Lucy thinks these guys' mums must be very proud.

The story so far

In 2005, back when the internet was still fairly new and smartphones were but a twinkle in Steve Jobs' eye, Lucy was 26, single, and terrible with men.  

Guys she fancied never seemed to fancy her back, and the guys that fancied her were all rubbish.  In her whole adult life she'd only ever had one boyfriend, and that ended badly when he decided he was in love with his best mate (who was female, thankfully, but that doesn't make it much better).

So a friend suggested she try online dating.  

Back then, online dating was still mostly the preserve of geeks and weirdos.  But Lucy's friend was doing it, and she wasn't all that weird, so Lucy decided to give it a go. 

Over the course of the next few years she met dozens of men, including:

- The guy with the incredible blue eyes but who was a bit odd and got very drunk on the date.  When he asked if they could meet again Lucy said no.  So then he asked if he could come back to her place for sex anyway.

- The famous TV presenter's son who had only headshots on his profile.  When he turned up on the date, he had the biggest gut Lucy had ever seen close up.  She spent an hour squished up against it in a crowded bar before fleeing.

- The guy who gesticulated so widely when speaking that he sent a passing waitress and her tray of drinks flying across the room.

- The chef who decided to take Lucy on a date to a photography exhibition outside London.  Lucy was rather unnerved to find herself getting on a train with a total stranger with no clue where she was going.  (They ended up going out for 7 months, so it was ok in the end).

- The bloke who turned out to be a friend of a friend.  He hadn't told his mates that he was doing online dating, and Lucy inadvertently 'outed' him.

Eventually, at the age of 30, she met The Ex on Match.com.  He bowled her over on the first date and by date four they were a couple.  The relationship lasted five years before The Ex decided he fancied a girl from work rather more, and within two weeks he, and all his stuff, were gone.

Lucy found herself thrown back out into a very different world.  Most of her friends were now married with babies.  She herself was no longer a catch, but (whisper it) over 35, and therefore pretty much undateable.  And smartphones and dating apps had been invented, with swiping and ghosting and all sorts of confusing behaviours.  The relatively calm dating pool had become shark-infested waters. 

But Lucy's never been one to shy away from a challenge.  So she held her nose and jumped back in.  Two years on and she's still swimming, and there are still plenty of sharks circling, but she's much better at dealing with it all now.  She's not drowning nearly quite so much, and sometimes she even kind of enjoys the exercise.  Though she's still hoping for a lifeguard (or possibly a merman) to come and rescue her.  She just wishes he'd hurry the fuck up.