The newly-single friend (part 7)

We left the story of Lucy and Amir at the point where Amir, who until last year had just been Lucy's good friend, had asked her out on a date and then cancelled it and vanished. 

If none of this is making any sense, you'd better catch up first.  Here's the start of the story, and here's last week's post.

Lucy is not the sort of girl to just sit back and take shit from anyone, so after trying to play it cool for a while, she rang Amir and left a message demanding an explanation. 

The tone of her message clearly woke him up, because after weeks of silence he finally texted back.  Lucy, who by this stage boiling with hot rage at the way he'd behaved, decided to play him at his own game and not reply for a few days.  This clearly pushed his stupid boy buttons, because he then rang her twice and sent a further SIX messages with an increasing sense of urgency.

Lucy decided to ignore all these messages too - not because she was deliberately trying to punish him (ok, well, maybe she was, just a little bit), but more because she didn't know what on earth she was going to say. 

So she said nothing, which clearly got right up Amir's nose.

Lucy knows that at this point she should let him stew for a while.  Let him experience what it's like to be ghosted for a change! But she can't.  She's always been terrible at game playing. And she's even worse at sitting quiet.  Always one to wear her heart on her sleeve, if Lucy has something to say, she's going to say it.  It's a trait that has frequently got her into trouble - but right now she doesn't much care, tbh.

What's more, the longer she doesn't reply, the longer this whole sorry saga drags on. And while it's dragging, it's occupying far too much of her energy, as she turns it round and round in her mind and tries to figure out what she will say when she finally does reply.

So she messages him.  A full, frank, and honest assessment of the situation.

She types the message into WhatsApp, pauses for a second to look at it, then takes a deep breath and hits enter with decisive force.

It doesn't take him long to reply. 

It strikes Lucy immediately that this message is just one long string of denials and excuses.  She's not impressed.

Well at least now he's apologised. That is something at least.  But Lucy still doesn't feel that she's got to the bottom of what's been going on.   It would be much better if they spoke in person - particularly since he appears to be on the end of his phone right now. 

Now Lucy feels bad.  And sorry for him.  Was she too harsh?  Sigh.  She takes a slightly softer tone. 

'Back on track?'  What does that even mean?  Lucy notes with a sinking feeling that he keeps using the word 'friend'.  Clearly she has been put back in the friend box - although this much has been obvious since he cancelled their date.  So then why ask her on a date in the first place?  He needs to explain.

The longer this chat goes on for, the worse Lucy feels.  Is this partly her fault?  Did she get the wrong end of the stick?  Misread the signals (well duh!)?  Is she really so full of herself that as soon as a guy so much as smiles at her she assumes he wants her?  Or was it the exact opposite: her insecurity causing her to develop feelings for any attractive guy who shows her the slightest attention?

 

Lucy thought she wanted answers, but now that Amir seems to have miraculously developed the ability to communicate, she's not sure any of this is helping.  Instead, his responses are only making her feel worse - embarrassed that she misjudged the situation, worried that she's now lost a good friend, and anxious that somehow her failure to handle the situation better has caused it to escalate beyond repair.  

But she's also angry with Amir for putting his shitty feelings onto her too, and apparently making it her responsibility to make him feel better. 

Well that she absolutely won't do.  She's already told him she has nothing more to say, so she doesn't reply.  Hopefully he'll get the message. 

He doesn't.  The next morning he texts again. 

It's curious.  When she wanted him to message it drove her bonkers that he didn't.  Now she wishes he would leave her alone and he won't.  What is that all about?!  And why do so many men only seem to up their game when they suddenly feel they have a point to prove?

Well, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.  Plus, his name repeatedly popping up in her notifications is completely doing her head in.  She needs him to just fuck the hell off now so she can get over her embarrassment.

Though of course she puts it in a nicer way when she replies.  It seems to be the only way to get rid of him. 

Then Lucy archives the chat so she won't have to see it in her inbox any more, pours herself a large glass of wine, and goes back to swiping on Bumble.

The End.  (Probably)

Editor's note:  Apologies to any readers who have felt disappointed by the more serious tone of recent updates.  Normal, more humorous service will be resumed next time.  

The newly-single friend (Part 4)

Lucy has been having a promising flirtation with her charming, handsome and funny friend Amir.

To read what happened last time, click here.

Lucy and Amir have been mates for over 5 years, but since he broke up with his partner last Christmas their friendship has become increasingly flirty. Amir regularly tells her she's gorgeous, and hints at the possibility of a date - but in spite of the endless compliments, he so far hasn't quite managed to get to the point of actually asking her out.  Lucy is finding it both exhilarating and also mindfuckingly infuriating. 

Last time they met, Amir asked Lucy for advice on how to create a good profile for the dating app Bumble. This put Lucy in a tricky position.  Obviously she'd rather be grabbed by the pussy by Donald Trump than help Amir hook up with another woman - but technically at the moment they are still just friends. So she had no choice but to agree to help.  

She hopes her advice turns out to be a big pile of useless crap.

Since that last meeting it's been a couple of weeks without any word from Amir.  Then out of the blue he pops up again late one evening - in a pretty spectacular fashion.

Lucy is on a work trip, asleep in a German hotel, and the vibrating of her phone wakes her up.  She reaches over blearily to silence it, and as she does so she sees the message.  For a moment she's not sure if she's awake or dreaming.

Stunning mildly crazy beauty?!  What a message to receive in the middle of the night!  He thinks she's stunning AND a beauty?  As for the mildly crazy, while that might seem rude, it's really just gentle teasing.  Lucy sometimes jokes that all women are a bit bonkers, but she's definitely less bonkers than most, and Amir tells her he likes her brand of crazy because it's cute and funny. So what he's really saying is that he thinks she's gorgeous and amusing.

This is definitely not the sort of message a friend would send. 

Since it's the middle of the night, Lucy goes back to sleep.  Let him wait.  But it appears he's a bit impatient, because early the next day he messages again.

At this point Lucy is in a meeting, so it's definitely not the right time to be getting into what could potentially be a flirtatious conversation.  Anyway, he vanished for over a week, so it might do him some good to have to wait a while.  Plus it'll make Lucy seem important and unavailable, which can only be a Good Thing.

She finally replies at the end of the day with a message that she hopes will make her sound both hardworking and modest.

(In other words, get the fucking hint, Amir!  Ask for a fucking date already!)

The next day, Lucy flies back to London. Barely has her plane touched the runway than she fires up her phone, swiping furiously on Bumble in search of his profile.  To make sure she has every chance of finding it, she even widens her distance settings to show her every guy in the right age range within a 20 mile radius.  She's determined to make damn sure he doesn't slip through the net.

This has the unfortunate side effect of showing her dozens of potential new matches, all of whom she has to reject in the hunt for the one she's looking for.  Lucy swipes left continually all the way through the passport control queue, where the fierce lady supervising the automatic gates looks at her as though she might be a terrorist and makes her put her phone away.  She carries on swiping through baggage reclaim, where for the first time ever Lucy is annoyed when her suitcase comes out first.  She barely acknowledges her taxi driver as he takes her bag and leads her to the car, all the time swiping, swiping, swiping... and just occasionally experiencing a small pang of regret as she bypasses someone who looks like he might be nice.  Sorry love, not now.  Right now she's only interested in one man.

And then suddenly, there he is.

This might have been one of those terrible moments where, with the left-swipe action firmly established, Lucy could have rejected Amir by mistake before she could stop herself.  And maybe, with hindsight, it would have been better if she had done just that. 

But she doesn't. She stops and looks at his photos. The main one is one she's seen before, on his WhatsApp profile, and it makes him look smiley and rather young.  The others are more accurate reflections of what he really looks like, a little grizzled around the edges, but sexier.  He hasn't used the one she took of him in the bar last time they met. 

That's fine, she thinks. I'll keep that one just for me.

She takes a deep breath, and swipes right.

BOOM! It's a match.

Lucy exhales in relief.  After all the flirting - and his message - it would have been extremely odd if Amir hadn't swiped right on her profile, but all the same, you never know.  Men are fucking weird sometimes and Lucy really has no clue how their minds work.

Now they've matched, Lucy has a new problem. The rule of Bumble is that women have to make the first move - guys can't message until the girl has.  This means that Lucy has to compose an engaging opening message.  OH THE PRESSURE!

Normally she'd send something brief but hopefully witty that shows she's looked at the guy's profile. Nothing too long in case he doesn't bother to reply and it turns out to be a waste of time.  Nothing that sounds like it might have been copied and pasted from another chat (even though, yes, she'll admit it... sometimes it is).

But this is different, she thinks.  This is Amir. He's not a random stranger.  She doesn't need to start with a friendly question because she already knows loads about him.

But then she has a brainwave.  What if she were to pretend that she doesn't?  If the fact that they're friends is getting in the way of him asking her out on a date, maybe removing the friends aspect will solve the problem.

Time for a little role play action...



And then she waits for a reply.  And waits.  And fucking waits.

Hours go by and there is no response.  The suspense is driving her bonkers.

According to the rules of Bumble, Amir has just 24 hours to reply to her message before the match expires and the connection will vanish.  The clock is ticking like an incredibly stressful episode of Countdown where the prize isn't just bragging rights but the chance for love and happiness.  Lucy feels like Cinderella: she has just a few hours left to win her prince before the spell is broken and she'll turn back into a pumpkin.

So why hasn't he replied?  Is he busy? Playing it cool?  Has he lost interest?  What if he isn't checking his messages?  FFS!

Lucy weighs up the options. Given his attention so far, it seems pretty unlikely that he's suddenly lost interest.  No, she thinks, he must have notifications turned off, so he won't know he has a match or have seen her message.  This is a nightmare!  What if he doesn't check? What if the match expires?!

Calm the fuck down woman, she thinks.  It's only a dating app.

But still, it seems like she is finally on the cusp of something brilliant.  She simply can't let the opportunity slip through her fingers.  Not now she's come this far.

So she sends him a message via WhatsApp.

Lucy doesn't get a chance to reply to his text, because the next moment, he also pings her a reply on Bumble.

And she's back in the game.

What's more, he's taken the bait.  The we-don't-know-each-other role play is ON. Things are about to get interesting... 

And just like that, Lucy's stomach falls through the floor.

What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck?!

Is this really what this whole thing has been about?  All that teasing, all that flirting, for weeks... it was all just in the hope of getting into her pants?

Surely not.  It can't have been.  Could it?

The shock and disappointment make Lucy feel slightly nauseous.  She doesn't know how to respond. Is he fucking serious?  Or is this just part of the role play: they're pretending to be two strangers on Bumble, so he's ably playing the role of the typical dating app fuckboy.  It must be a joke!

Yes... it MUST be a joke, albeit a fucking crap one.  Amir could get a casual hookup anywhere, if that's what he wanted.  Surely he wouldn't be so stupid as to ruin their entire friendship for a meaningless shag?  He's even told her about getting propositioned recently, but he turned the girl down because 'that's not what he's looking for'.

But if his comment was a joke, why didn't he follow it up with a winky face emoji, or a 'just kidding' like he did before?  Arrrrggggghhh! FFS!

No, it must be part of the role play. Surely she knows him well enough to know that he wouldn't seriously proposition her like that.  Doesn't she?

She decides to give him the benefit of the doubt and carry on playing.

This is better, she thinks.  Though the creeping doubt is still there, nagging her in the back of her mind. 

But at least he's asked her out now.  A date! An actual date! Break out the champagne!

This is much better, Lucy thinks.  A bit of humour, a few choice compliments, and he's even showing off his excellent use of English.  It must be said Lucy does like a guy with a large... vocabulary.

From the comfort of her sofa Lucy smiles to herself.  Well it WAS a good line.  This conversation is about as much fun as Lucy has had on her own in a very long time.

She just needs to give Amir a bit more encouragement.

The Quantum Leap reference makes Lucy laugh out loud.  She absolutely loves that Amir is on exactly the same wavelength as her - cracking jokes that she finds hilarious and making slightly obscure pop culture references that only certain geeky kids of the 90s would get.

Lucy once told Amir that she'd kissed a guy who wasn't very good because his rhythm was too mechanical.  Clearly he was paying attention.  So he's a good listener too.

But the fact that he's suddenly brought up kissing is an interesting new development.  Is that what's on his mind?

The idea makes Lucy's imagination stray to places she's not sure it should go.  Things are so up in the air with Amir that she really doesn't want to get her hopes up.  But oh how she'd love to find out if what he's just said is true.

How to respond, though?  Is this his way of bringing the subject back round to sex - trying to see if she'd be up for a shag?  Or is it just a joke (the emoji suggests it is)? Should she encourage him by flirting back?  Lucy must admit she's pretty tempted - she wants to see where such a conversation might end up...

But hang on a tick, she thinks.  This is a role play. They're pretending they've never met.  So she should say the same thing she always says to total strangers who get a bit too carried away:

And the moment is gone.  Immediately Lucy is disappointed.  Did she shoot him down too soon?  Is she giving off the right signals?  Maybe she should have let the subject run a little and see where it led. 

I'm so mind-blowingly useless at this, she thinks. No wonder I'm fucking single. 

But there is no point rushing into things with Amir.  He's only just come out of what was essentially a marriage. She needs to take things slowly and find out what his intentions really are towards her.

This is interesting.  He doesn't say he's looking for anything serious - but what man fresh out of a 10-year relationship would ever say that anyway.

But now the conversation has lost its fizz.  Before it was sparky and light-hearted, and now it seems to have fallen flat.  This is my fault, Lucy thinks. I shouldn't have shot him down.  Why the fuck did she do that?  

Lucy wishes she could get the banter back. She needs Amir to think of her as fun and sexy, not needy and serious.  And more than anything, she needs to bring him back round to this date idea.

Lucy's confused. Did he not just suggest cocktails?  But now he's proposing a meal.  Or about a dozen other things.  Which is it?  This seems to be typical of Amir: he spends a lot of time coming up with great ideas for dates - but never actually makes good on the promise.

Well this time, she's determined to make sure he does.  And THEN they can have a few drinks together and let alcohol nature take its course.

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, they manage to agree a to meet up the Sunday after next. 

Lucy's not sure why Amir thinks she's being high-maintenance, but she doesn't care.  She's just thrilled beyond words that they've got a date in the diary. This is the BEST Bumble chat EVER! 

Obviously it sucks that it took a stupid role-play on a dating app to get to this point, but Lucy's not complaining. They have a date! An actual date! AND he promises he won't ghost her because she's awesome!  

And Lucy's sure he won't ghost her because he's not a typical dating app fuckboy.  He's one of the Good Ones. 

Of course she'll let him touch her hair. And anything else he wants to touch for that matter.

And he's gone.   Now Lucy will have to somehow manage to get through the next two weeks before she can see him. That's assuming he doesn't cancel on her again like he did last time.  She's really not sure she'd be able to bear it if he did...

(To be continued...)

The Booty Call (Part 2)

Lucy's had three dates with Peter who works in radio.  (To read from the beginning, click here.)

The third date wasn't really a date - more an entirely unapologetic and surprisingly acrobatic sex session, after which he vanished completely into thin air.  

Lucy was just about start googling for news of Peter's death, when he resurfaced and invited himself over again.  How romantic, she sighs, starry-eyed.  It's just what every girl dreams of. 

But Lucy's decided that since Prince Charming is taking his sweet time showing up, she'll have to take what she can get in the meantime.  So she's accepted Peter's terms of engagement. 

He rolls up in his flashy white Porsche and climbs the stairs.  Lucy waits for him at the top.  It's just like that scene at the end of Pretty Woman except that Peter is shorter and has far less hair than Richard Gere.  Also Richard Gere brought flowers, while  Peter has come empty handed.  Nice to see he's made an effort, she sighs.

When Peter reaches the top of the stairs, he goes straight in for a full-on snog.  They kiss in the stairwell for a while, until Lucy realises that the family who live opposite may be watching through their peephole.  She ushers him inside before they scar the young children for life.

Lucy and Peter sit on the sofa.  Lucy has a large glass of wine.  Lucy is sure wine makes her sexier.  At least, she thinks it makes her sexier.  Which is kind of the same thing.  Peter has orange juice.  Clearly he will not be staying the night.  Sex AND a good night's sleep, thinks Lucy.  Win. 

Lucy and Peter both know he is only there for one thing.  But they pretend to chat and be interested in each other's lives.  

"How has your week been?" she enquires.
"Pretty stressful," he replies. "Work has been extra busy because of that disaster that's been all over the news in which dozens of people died."

Peter needs to work on his chat-up technique.

Lucy wants to tell Peter how infuriating she found it that he didn't reply to her messages last time.  She also wants to know why he sometimes sends enthusiastic replies but then vanishes for days, and why he's so hard to pin down to a date.

I'm literally offering no-strings sex, she thinks.  You should be chasing me, not the other way round.

But Lucy knows that if she says any of this stuff she will come across as needy or nagging.  Instead she must pretend to be cool and sexy and a little bit hard to get. Guys like that. 

So she puts her glass down and takes off her top.

They have sex twice.  Despite having been hard to pin down, now he's here Peter seems very enthusiastic - and he's also extremely chatty.  He seems to like describing what's going on in graphic detail, narrating what he's doing, what's going where, how it all feels...  Lucy finds it slightly offputting.  It's nice to have feedback but she's not sure she needs a running commentary.  It's a bit like what watching the horse racing must be like - if horse racing was on a porn channel.

Lucy only knows three positions, but Peter seems keen to try out several more. Lucy's fine with this, although she's not too keen about being on top.  It means she has to remember to hold her stomach in.  I must start doing more sit-ups, she thinks.

She tries sitting up tall and running her hands through her hair like they do in the movies.  Is this supposed to make her boobs look more pert?  It might work if you're a movie star with unfeasibly round breasts, she thinks.  Sadly if Lucy is like anyone off the telly, it's Monica from Friends. 

Afterwards, they lie together on Lucy's bed.  Lucy idly strokes Peter's chest.  She notices that he has quite a lot of body hair, but he has completely shaved his pubes.  Lucy panics: was she supposed to have shaved hers?  Is this what the etiquette is these days?  Lucy doesn't think this is the sort of thing she can ask her friends.

"You're quite hairy, aren't you?" she observes.
"I'm actually hairier than this really," he replies.  "But I trim it with a body hair trimmer."
Lucy has never heard of such a thing.
"It's like hair clippers for your head, except for your body.  You can set it to any length you like and then you can just trim all over."
Peter seems to have gone for Grade 3 or 4 for his legs and arms, and Grade 1 for the pubic region.
That's an awful lot of hair, she marvels.  How on earth does he keep his drains clear?
She hopes she never finds out what he'd look like without the trimmer.

Lucy goes to the bathroom, and catches sight of herself in the mirror.  Her nose and chin are rubbed red from Peter's stubble.
I look awful, she grumbles. How come this never happens in the movies?
Lucy wonders if she should put some more make up on to cover it up. Then she remembers she's supposed to be not giving a fuck.  So she doesn't bother.

Lucy tells Peter that she thinks they should just use each other for sex, regularly.
Peter says he feels violated but clearly he's delighted.
"What, so we're going to be friends with benefits?" he asks.
Lucy's not sure they are really friends.
"We could be friends too, but we might have to keep our clothes on for that part."

They decide to just do benefits.  That's assuming Peter doesn't just disappear again.

(To be continued...?)

The Booty Call (Part 1)

Peter, the radio guy who slept with Lucy and then disappeared, has resurfaced.  He wants to know if Lucy is free to meet up this Saturday.  

It's a tale as old as time, she reflects.  No sooner have you decided not to bother with a guy any more, he starts pursuing you.  The lack of interest is like a red rag to a bull.   But why the hell does it not work when I try to fake disinterest with guys I really like?  They must have a ninja sixth sense.

Though clearly in Peter's case it's because he's got an itch that needs scratching.

Lucy's cross.  The cheek of it!  He doesn't reply to messages, he pretends not to have received them, he won't answer a question or agree a date to meet up... She's wasted far too much time and energy on this guy already.  She should tell him where to go. 

Problem is, she's really tempted to say yes.

Lucy is a pathological over-thinker, so she decides to draw up a list of pros and cons.  It looks like this:

Pros:

1. She doesn't have any other plans on Saturday.
2. She's already invested time and effort in Peter, it wouldn't be that much more trouble to say yes.
3. She's already slept with him once, so that awkward first time is out of the way. 
4. And it was really good.  Or at least, certainly better than no sex at all, which is the current alternative.
5. She's already decided she's not that fussed about him, so there's little chance of her getting hurt. 
6. She definitely hasn't had enough sex in her life so far, so now's her chance to make up for that.
7. She wants to, and saying no would only be denying herself something based on principle. But principles only get you so far. Lucy is fed up of having principles.
8. It's been sunny all week so she won't even need to shave her legs - they're already done. Win!

Cons:

1. He's messed her around and she doesn't want to reward his bad behaviour.  Or give him the satisfaction.
2. He'll probably disappear again immediately afterwards.
3. It'd be a bit slutty.

Lucy wonders if point 3 should really go in the 'pros' column.

Anyway, it's clearly a no-brainer.  She accepts.

But this time, she's determined not to make too much of an effort. She's not even entirely convinced he will actually show up.  So as a way of showing how entirely unconcerned she is about this whole thing, she decides not to wash her hair.  That way, if he cancels, at least she won't have wasted her time.

This small act of rebellion delights her. That'll teach him to mess her around.

Nevertheless, when Saturday rolls around, she's nervous again.  She's barely spoken to Peter since the last time, and he still feels like a stranger.  She hopes he won't be late - it's the waiting that gets to her.

Who is she kidding?  He's been late on all of the last three dates.  Lucy decides she'll be happy if he just bothers to turn up at all.

This is how they win, she grumbles.  Get you to lower your expectations by being dicks, so that you're grateful if they do something even the tiniest bit nice.  Like showing up.

Even though she knows this, Lucy still spends 10 minutes deciding which underwear to put on.  She goes for the (obvious) red ones with the push-up bra.  No point in owning this stuff if you don't wear it, she decides.

She spends a further 10 minutes in front of the mirror practising being sexy and trying to work out if red underwear makes her thighs look fat.  If only I had bigger boobs, she reflects, maybe my life would be different.

Then she remembers that she's too old for this shit.  She should be married by now to someone who is so grateful that she even owns red underwear that he doesn't give a fuck about her B-cups.

Peter phones.  He's running late.

Lucy pours herself a large glass of wine.

(To find out what happened, click here)

The Online Dating Virgin (Part 2)

Lucy has a date with Daniel, who does the same job as her.  Lucy likes Daniel because in his photos he looks like David Tennant.  Not that Lucy is shallow or anything. 

Daniel is divorced, and this is his first ever online date.  Lucy's determined to be so impressively witty and gorgeous that this will be not only Daniel's first internet date, but also his last.

She arrives at the bar moments before Daniel, and is still scanning the room to see if he's there when he walks in, wearing jeans and a pale blue shirt.

She does the instant, 2-second judge.  Looks like his photos?  Thankfully, yes.  Does he look like David Tennant?  Not so much, but still handsome.  Height?  As predicted, short, no more than an inch taller than her.  Does she fancy him?  Not on first sight, no.

They order cocktails and squeeze onto bar stools at a corner table.  Lucy's stool is wedged tightly between the table and the wall.  Good thing I'm not chubby, she thinks.  A fat girl'd never fit in here.

Daniel is chatty, and shoots questions at her like it's the quick fire round of a gameshow.  Lucy would like to ask one back, but doesn't seem to get the chance.  Still, at least there are no awkward silences.  Lucy always feels the need to fill silences and invariably ends up saying something stupid.

Daniel fills her in on his weekend.  He went to a stag do.

"I had to arrange it all," he tells her.  "I always seem to end up being the one in charge because I'm really organised."

Lucy, who alphabetises her DVDs and colour codes her knicker drawer, thinks she might be in love. In spite of his height.

"I haven't been on a hen do in ages because all my friends are already married," she tells him.  "Though I guess they'll be moving on to the divorces soon, and then we'll be on to round two."

Daniel looks uncomfortable.  Shit, she forgot he's divorced.

To lighten the mood, she tells him about the last hen party she went to.  "It was in someone's flat," she recounts.  "There was a stripper.  It was pretty awkward.  I've never seen a real, full-on stripper before."
"Did you see an erect penis?" Daniel asks.

Lucy is quite shocked that they are only 15 minutes into the date and Daniel has already said the word 'penis'.

She tells him the penis in question was not erect.  But it was pretty big and the stripper did swing it around and grind up against the bride.
Daniel looks concerned.  Lucy hopes he doesn't think she's into that sort of thing.

Now the subject has moved onto penises, it's hard to talk about anything else.

"Once, at a house party, a stranger touched my cock," he tells her.
"How does that happen?" Lucy queries.
"I was staying in the house with an ex-girlfriend. During the party we went back to our room to have sex. We were getting down to business when this random guy walked in and put his hand on my cock.  I think he wanted to join in."

Lucy wonders if this is Daniel's way of suggesting a threesome.  Just in case he's about to get any ideas, she tells him she's never had one and has no intention of trying.

"But I have been in the room when other people have been having sex," she adds.  Doesn't want Daniel to think she's a prude.

He looks intrigued.

"It was in a youth hostel in Colombia.  I was in a shared dorm and a couple started having sex in the middle of the night.  I had to listen to the whole thing."

Nice to get Colombia in, she thinks. Now he knows I'm adventurous and well-travelled.  But also not a pervert.

The date seems to be going well. They've had three cocktails.  Daniel suggests going to get some food, so they head for a Japanese place round the corner.

As they walk in, a waiter passes with some delicious-looking meat skewers.

"Yum," says Lucy.
Daniel drops a bombshell. "I'm a vegetarian," he confesses.
Lucy wants to cry.

They order boring vegetarian food, and wine.  Daniel offers to pay for the meal.
Too bloody right, thinks Lucy.  Forcing me to eat cardboard.
If we have a second date, she wonders, next time can I force him to eat meat?  Seems only fair.

Outside the restaurant, they say goodbye.  In spite of the vegetarian bombshell Daniel has been good company and Lucy has had a good time.
"Look, it's 11 pm," she points out. "That never happens."
"Why," he asks.  "What time do you normally stay out till?"
"I try to stay for 2 drinks out of politeness.  But a couple of times it's been so bad I've left after just one."

Lucy hopes Daniel realises how lucky he's been to meet her on his first ever online date.
"It's not going to get better than this for him," she thinks. "He's going to get a nasty shock when he carries on and finds out what Tinder girls are really like.
Lucy feels sad for Daniel, what with all the twattish behaviour he's got coming his way.

Daniel tells her he would like to see her again.  She wonders if he will try to kiss her.
But he doesn't.
Lucy is disappointed.   Just because she doesn't fancy him all that much doesn't mean a snog wouldn't have been nice.

(To be continued...?)

UPDATE: It wasn't.  Lucy didn't hear from Daniel for 10 days after the date, and eventually she messaged him.  They arranged to meet again, but the day before the second date Daniel cancelled, blaming work commitments. They haven't communicated since.  Lucy is fully expecting to bump into him again at some point through work... which could be awkward...

The Online Dating Virgin (Part 1)

Lucy has matched with Daniel.  Daniel is 45, has brown hair, and looks a bit like David Tennant.  Lucy is deliriously in love with David Tennant.  She even took up watching Doctor Who, and sat through dozens of ridiculous episodes, because of him.  (So she was bloody relieved when he quit.)

David Tennant is 6 feet tall.  Daniel doesn't give his height in his profile.  Lucy examines his photos to try to work out if that means he's short.  In general, tall guys always boast about their height, but short guys try to hide it for as long as possible, so Daniel is probably short.  This is disappointing. 

In one of the photos, Daniel is lying in the road.  Behind him is a bicycle.  Lucy tries to analyse the relative sizes of the bike and Daniel to try to work out roughly how tall he is.  How long is the bicycle?  How far away is it from Daniel?  What effect does the perspective have on their relative sizes in the photo?  Why is he lying in the road anyway?

She gives up.

It turns out Daniel works in the same industry as Lucy.  He even worked at the company she's currently based at until just a few weeks ago, and knows many of the people who still work there.

Lucy is delighted.  Maybe Daniel could be The One (despite probably being short).  They missed each other by a couple of weeks, but maybe fate just needed a little helping hand in the form of a dating app to bring them together.  She wonders if ballet flats would go with a wedding dress.

Then Lucy remembers that in 14 years, she has never met a decent, straight, single man working in her (female-dominated) industry.  All the men are either married, gay, or arseholes.  So if David is single, what is wrong with him?

The quickest way to find out, she reasons, is simply to ask him.

Ah. Divorced with kids.

Lucy is not sure about dating a man who already has kids.  On the one hand it means it's likely he won't want any more, which is fine by her.  Lucy enjoys sleep, freedom, travel and disposable income far too much to give it all up.  Especially not to become a slave to some tiny psychotic dictator.

But on the other hand a man who has kids will always have other priorities.  And dating a dad would mean she would have to pretend to like Other People's Children.

As everyone knows, Other People's Children are, without exception, little shits.  Lucy tries to avoid Other People's Children wherever possible.

Then she remembers Daniel looks like David Tennant, so she decides to give him a chance.

Lucy turns to the company intranet to see if Daniel is still listed there.  This is not stalking.  This is research.  Research is allowed - and in fact is even advisable.  A sensible girl will always check out her date online if she can, she reasons.  Just in case he turns out to be a convicted criminal.  Or a vegetarian.

There are five Daniels in the company phone directory.  Lucy googles all of them but nothing of interest comes up, except that one of them shares his name with a top rugby player.  Either that, or the top rugby player has quit sports and is now working in HR for Lucy's company.   She makes a mental note to check out the boys in HR next time she visits the second floor.

Lucy and Daniel agree to meet for cocktails after work.  He reveals that he has only recently joined the online dating world and this will be his first actual date.

Lucy is going to pop Daniel's online dating cherry.

This could be a problem, she thinks.  Online dating is like house hunting.  You need to experience a few rubbish ones, a few that have been mis-advertised, one or two that are falling-apart and smell weird, before you can appreciate the good ones.  If you see the perfect house on your first viewing, you won't recognise it.

Lucy is not a mouldy and cramped ex-council flat described by a cocky estate agent as 'a stylish and spacious city dwelling with opportunity for redevelopment'.  She's a gorgeous (and yet reasonably priced) Victorian conversion with high ceilings and outside space.  Daniel has hit the jackpot on his first roll of the dice.

But if he's never been ghosted, or stood up, or had to sit through one excruciating hour with someone weird or boring, how will he know that he's struck gold with Lucy?

Daniel has peaked too early.  All Lucy can do is hope that he's sensible enough to recognise a good thing when he sees it.

Lucy is determined to make this the best date ever and be Daniel's first - and last - internet date.  But if that fails, then at the very least she plans to set the bar high.  This date will be the gold standard for all that follow.  In 20 years time, Daniel will still remember the girl who popped his internet dating cherry and wish he hadn't let her go.

She selects just the right outfit - a casual dress that says "I'm feminine and have great legs but I haven't actually made all that much of an effort".  Flat shoes in case he's short.  She even plucks the stray hairs out of her chin and upper lip.  And heads out to meet him...

(To be find out what happened, click here)

Blast from the past

Lucy's matched with Mark from Bumble. 

Mark appears to be very handsome but it's hard to be sure as he only has two photos.  One is a head and shoulders shot with just blue sky behind.  The other is the same photo, only zoomed in.   

Lucy wonders if Mark has arms and legs. She messages him to see if she can find out. 

WTF? thinks Lucy.  We've met before?!

Lucy estimates she's been on several hundred internet dates in her time, so it's entirely possible she's forgotten a few of them.  But Mark's photo is not familiar in the slightest.  She really doesn't recognise him at all. 

There can be only one explanation.  Lucy is never wrong.  Mark must have made a mistake. 

Mark seems determined they've met before. How can this be?  If he's right, she's mortified!

Recently, on Bumble, Lucy came across a guy she'd had a date with about a year ago.  At the time he'd asked her out again but she'd turned him down.  Now, out of curiosity, she swipes right and messages him - and he completely doesn't remember her.  Lucy is outraged.  He was supposed to have been heartbroken!

She really doesn't want to be that person.  So she digs through all her old emails and WhatsApp chats to see if she's ever dated anyone called Mark before.  She ends up reading through some amusing past conversations and reminding herself of a few shockers... but there is no sign of Mark.

It's a complete mystery. She needs answers.

Facebook?  Lucy racks her tired, dating-addled brain.

Then the penny finally drops.

Lucy doesn't remember going on a date with Mark before because she never did go on a date with him.

Lucy met Mark in 2010 when she was travelling alone in New Zealand - back when she was younger and hotter but had just started dating The Ex.  She had just arrived in Christchurch and was eating dinner alone in a small cafe when Mark walked in.  He was also on his own, he was attractive, and Lucy wanted to meet people - so she bravely invited him to join her.  They ate together, swapped details and never saw each other again.

And now, here he is, 7 years later, single, and in London!  This is perfect.  Maybe the timing wasn't right when they met before but now fate has brought them back together.  This will be a great story to tell the grandkids.

Mark is a good, strong name.  And he's a lawyer.  She can definitely introduce him to her parents.

Lucy goes to Facebook to check his profile out and see if she can glean any more information. But she hits a snag.

It appears that at some point in the last 7 years she has defriended him.

All she can see is his profile photo, which is of a young David Bowie, and his cover photo, which shows some pissed-off looking cats superimposed onto a representation of the Galaxy.

Well this is awkward. The only thing she can do is try to style it out.

Lucy's not sure what to make of this.  Is he joking?  It sounds like he's joking.  But she doesn't know him at all, so maybe he's genuinely offended.  After all, she didn't believe him when he said they'd met before - and she's also deleted him from Facebook.  This is not going well.  

Lucy gives up on trying to style it out and tried to defend herself instead. 

Ah, ok, so he WAS joking.

Lucy can almost hear the sound of crashing and burning as her dreams of a summer wedding to a handsome solicitor fall to pieces.  But might be ok, she thinks, there's still a chance to rescue this, with a cheeky dig.

Oh.

WTAF?

The fantasy bubble bursts and Lucy lands with a thud.

Admittedly things weren't going brilliantly, but there was no need for that.

But maybe, just maybe, he's still joking.  Doesn't say much for his sense of humour, and it would be a pretty terrible joke to make via text with someone you don't know, but a joke is now the best case scenario here.

Lucy's not sure Mark deserves it, but she decides to give him one last chance.

Well what is that supposed to mean?  Was it a joke or not?  If he won't apologise, or explain himself, what is Lucy supposed to say?

She decides to say nothing and see if Mark will come back with a better response later.  He doesn't, and a few days after that he unmatches her.

Lucy has no idea what fate was playing at, but she wishes it would stop being such an arse.